Crawling Out of the Woodwork

Be forewarned that this will be a rant of epic proportions. Because the fuckers that decided it was a good idea to invade my space this week really got to me. So there is a good chance that I am going to go nuclear.

Oh hell, them backstabbers really pissed ole Faycin off this time!

Let's start with the three fingers that are pointing back at me. I have not always been the best of people. In fact, STUPID, IGNORANT, SELFISH FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT pretty well describes it. 

Back in 1986 I was a stupid, undiagnosed bipolar/borderline twat of a dumb stupid whore. There was actually only one incident but I think it still brands me a dumb stupid whore, because what else is someone who cheats on their spouse? By the way, this incident did not break up my marriage. That didn't happen until years later and it was not over anyone cheating.

My then husband and I had this mutual friend. I really don't know how it started, probably with watching porn because I was hypersexual. The ex husband and I for whatever reason decided to bring this mutual friend in on things, but I became too upset and felt like a slut. However, later I hooked up with the mutual friend. I feel really gross talking about this, and I deserve to feel gross. It was gross. There was no actual intercourse, I stopped short of that, realizing how wrong what I was doing was. However there was plenty else. I hate myself for having been such a vile disgusting slut and I do not expect forgiveness. I told the mutual friend that this could not happen. He kept pursuing me for a while until I told my ex what had happened. We mutually cut this guy out of our lives.

I had pushed this shit to the depths of my psyche. Certainly it belongs in the sewer. I didn't even think about it for many, many years. Then out of the blue this individual crawls out of the wood work to try and friend me (under my real name) on Facebook.

Crap.

That really set up a downward spiral, emotionally.

I messaged him that I preferred to keep the past in the past. Fortunately I have not heard from him again. However, I became severely, almost non-functionally depressed. WHICH I PROBABLY DESERVE FOR HAVING BEEN SUCH A TURD! That aside I had nightmares while curled up on the couch in the "Fireside Room" at work, in a fetal position, wishing that a meteor would come through the roof and splatter me like the cockroach I am. I dreamed that I was held prisoner in a house by a rapist. He would command me to have sex with him. I begged him to leave me alone, to let me go. He said he wouldn't, that I was there to service him.

When I woke up I realized that the rapist had never used any weapons or physically restrained me. I could have escaped easily. I did what he said because I felt like I had no choice.

The feelings I had the two times that I was raped as an adult (once at eighteen and once at 32, both date rape situations) came back. I felt nauseous, like trash, worthless, insane. The one thing that fortunately did not repeat was the panic attacks.

So yeah, motherfucker, thanks for crawling out of the fucking woodwork and bringing those flashbacks to me. Maybe it's my god damn Karma. If so, you'd think we could be done with that shit. But nooooo!

This morning, your old pal Faycin got a missive in her inbox FROM ONE OF THE FUCKERS WHO FUCKING BETRAYED HER THIS SUMMER!

Once upon a time I respected this "person" and thought us to be colleagues of a sort in the field of paranormal interests. I allowed her to use poetry that I had written (under a different pen name) in her zine. I own the copyright to this shit so that is not an issue. If she ever uses it without my permission I will sue her. Course that won't amount to much but I think I would do it anyway. I'd like to think she's not that stupid, but...

SINCE SHE WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO CONTACT ME IN THE FIRST PLACE AFTER WHAT SHE FUCKING DID TO ME, I'M NOT SURE OF ANYTHING ANY MORE!

She wrote that the former zine is going to a different publisher and she wanted me to give permission to allow the content to be repackaged and republished.

ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID? LIKE FUCK I WILL EVER ALLOW YOU AGAIN TO USE THAT WHICH IS MINE, SINCE YOU FUCKING THOUGHT IT WAS IN YOUR RIGHTS TO STEAL AND DESTROY SOMETHING ELSE WHICH WAS MINE!

Asshole.

Sorry for being so cryptic but having two, two, two of these fuckers coming at me in the same week and blindsiding me and leaving me feeling sick and in literal physical anguish really makes me mad and really makes me think the Universe hates me.

Let me alone. I already feel pathetic and worthless and sorry enough.

~Faycin~