Dreamed that I looked down the hall to see my father's corpse in a desk chair in my son's room. My son had his arms around the body of his grandfather, propping it up. I was sure that I screamed "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" repeatedly, but I suppose it was only in my mind.
I have not cried much over my father's death. Either I have not really acknowledged that he is dead (even though I logically realize that) or I already grieved as he got sicker and sicker. There isn't a deep, heart-rending hopelessness. Life goes on, as it had to when he got sicker and sicker, and his suffering is done. But there is this awful emptiness when I think about him.
"I want to tell Dad (fill in the blank)"
"But I can't."
"Shit....this sucks."
And then there's the emptiness and a feeling of regret and remorse.
I can't allow for heart-rending grief, I suppose. I can't fall apart. There's too much to do. And in many ways, I already grieved.
But for fuck's sake, if I'm going to dream about my father, I want to dream about him as he was in life or is now in spirit. I don't want to dream about a corpse propped in a chair.
I wonder if this has to do with my being confronted with a discouraging situation of acerbic Atheism from a person whom I still like but whom I don't feel comfortable with since she adopted this belief system. I think a better word for it is "nihilism." I do know atheists with whom I'm perfectly comfortable communicating. They do not believe in a deity or in spirits, but they are not assholes about it and acknowledge that other people have the right to their beliefs.
Nihilists, on the other hand, are the only people on Earth as capable of pissing me off as Fundie Criss-chuns. I call them Criss-chuns because they sure ain't Christians. Nihilists and Criss-chuns both believe that only they are right. They are superior because they are the only ones who are right. And everyone else is either damned to hell or damned to stupidity.
I realize that any kind of Fundamentalist is horrible, but these are the two types that I encounter the most often. I would hate to be as narrow in my thinking as they are.
5 comments:
Nihilists can be just as bad as Criss-chuns, I agree.
In my opinion we do need some spirituality to get through life and I'm not above faking it, if it needs to be.
Whatever works.
I have to at least believe that there's a possibility of something beyond this existence. I tried nihilism and all it did was make me into the same kind of raging bitch that going on the Atkins diet makes me into. I don't enjoy being that miserable to be around, either for myself or for other people.
My dad died a couple months ago. We weren't close -- I have and he had difficulty expressing emotion, difficulty relating to people effectively.
But the worst part, now, is the fact that I never told him "I love you" and now I'll never say it, and he'll never hear it.
The second most worst part is that he never saw me fulfil my potential, and now he never will, even if I do, and I've given him nothing to be proud of me for.
And it hurts. Bad.
He gave me lots of stuff, including his time and attention.
And taught me lots of stuff: how to play chess, ride a bicycle, do long division, write a cheque. etc etc etc etc etc
But boy do I wish I hadn't followed him so blithely, thoughtlessly, adoringly into atheism. Because that is a journey I wish I'd never begun, and which has cost me dear over the years.
To deprive another person of meaning and purpose is a bad thing, but forgivable if done with good intentions. At least it gave me the opportunity to pick and choose my meaning and purpose as opposed to simply swallowing whatever is forced down ones throat at school, and/or by parents.
I know his intentions were not malicious, in fact the opposite.
But Jeez that was one big wrong turn I took as a little boy, thinking his father knew everything.
Funnily enough, in later life, I think he was ready to move away from atheism, though he didn't come right out and say so. I think he witnessed the spiritual upheaval I went through in recent years, and wished that he could come along for the ride. I think...
and once again, agreeing with Amanda: Fake it till you make it is a very effective and honorable strategy for pursuing enlightenment, or anything for that matter.
Faycin, yes you have to at least believe there's a possibility...
Well, you don't HAVE to: You can continue to believe you are nothing more than a walking sack of meat. But if you don't enjoy being miserable, then you need to find a meaning and purpose that suits you better than being a sack of meat.
If you can't find a higher meaning and purpose that suits you, then MAKE YOUR OWN. No Problem.
If there is no higher meaning and purpose, there's also no point feeling bad about it. No Problem. What would it mean, to feel bad about a perceived lack of higher meaning and purpose? Nothing. What would be the purpose of feeling bad about it? No purpose.
On the other hand, if there is indeed a higher meaning and purpose, there's no point feeling bad about it. If anything, you'd feel good about it.
Either way: everyone's a winner. Whether there is, or is not, a higher meaning and purpose, there's no point or purpose to feeling bad about it.
It's winwinwinwinwinwinwin
then tyhere's no meaning and purpose to your sugge, then there's no problem about anything. , but if you don't,
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