Last Rites

My father was given last rites this evening. My brother is here until next Friday. I tend to become easily confused and forget what I'm doing at this point. I'm having trouble directing my own activities.

My arms and hands suddenly started hurting really, really badly. I haven't really cried much. I do things like babble at people, changing my thoughts mid-sentence. My cat Anna is sitting on my lap. The world seems kind of unreal right now, like I'm a ghost walking through it. Yet there are things that I really, really must continue doing.

even though working as a nurse is not my passion I believe that I have always been predisposed to working with the dying. It seems more "good" on the surface to work with the living, and with the newborn. I like newborns, and I have a sense for the dying. I guess it's everything in between that I don't give a shit about--ha!

Just being in that hospice yesterday changed my thoughts on working in nursing though. Seeing as it seems to be something I'm stuck with at this point I might as well do it in a capacity that seems fulfilling to my soul. 

Writing is what I really love but I have to make a living too, whether or not it pays. 

My ideas for my life involve writing, fixing my place up, becoming a counselor with a focus on Jungian psychology and using the Tarot as a focus for counseling, and if I have to, working as as a nurse on a Baylor shift, perhaps in hospice, or perhaps where I'm currently employed. 

See? Babbling.

Be glad you aren't forced to actually talk to me right now.