Haunted and Empty

A Lonely Universe

Here are the writing prompts from one of those blogs that I haunt or stalk or whatever it is I do. I use these but I can't directly participate anymore. Trying to work with "normal" humanity simply does not work for me.

1.) Six Word Memoir: Write about a significant time in your life in just six words.

My father died. I lost faith.

2.) “One need not be a chamber to be haunted, One need not be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place”. -Emily Dickinson What haunts you?

Oh people. A fuck of a lot of things haunt me. One of the things that haunts me daily is due to the work (what little I am able to do) that I do to try and end animal cruelty. I see the images in my head of animals that were murdered in horrible ways by sick human beings who deserve to have THE WORST happen to them. I do not want to hear about the milk of human kindness when it comes to these shits. I have none. They deserve THE WORST. That is that. I will not belabor it.

The thing that haunts me on a personal level is my loss of faith. I do not enjoy being an out and out atheist even though "it makes the most sense" to me. It feels utterly empty and devoid of hope.

I could never go back to being one of the devout, believing in a deity who sees fit to reject certain of its creations because they are unable to believe in its existence. I have no use for such a deity. Such flaws as needing to be constantly worshiped are human vices, and any deity worth its salt would have no such neediness. Therefore, I am quite unlikely to be "born again" into that religion. 

Reason tends to outweigh the necessity of escaping the fear of eternal oblivion.

And now, to up my Pariah Points all the further.

I do miss being able to believe in the deities of the older pantheons. I like them. I did at one point believe they existed and that they heard me. I have had experiences which point to the fact that SOMETHING happened when I have done what amounts to focusing my energy on a certain ideal. I do have some belief in connecting with a universal energy and obtaining feedback from that energy. Energy is the one thing that I can be sure of. It is eternal. It never ceases to exist, it only changes form.

Using a scientific thought process, I also believe in the POSSIBILITY that some portion of the personality survives the death of the body. The ENERGY that exists within the body does not cease to exist on the death of the body. It goes somewhere. It does something. And yeah, motherfuckers, I did once see a 100% 3D actual ghost with my unstoned, undrunk, not particularly tired eyes. It was not a flash in my peripheral vision, it--rather, he--sat there in his favorite chair, right smack in front of me. For a full 30 seconds to a minute he was there, until his wife opened the door and he disappeared. There were plenty of physical phenomenon preceding his appearance--slamming of doors in the basement, the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Yes, I have a history of mental illness. No, I do not hallucinate unless I am on drugs, either legitimate or otherwise, or I am so tired that I begin hallucinating. This happened last night when I "saw" a black dog crossing the street and nearly crashed the car to avoid hitting it. I'd not had more than six hours of sleep in the past three days.

This was not the case when I saw the ghost. Who, if you aren't familiar with this story, had been my neighbor. He died at 35 from leukemia. I was babysitting for his son at the time I saw him.

This ghost does not haunt me. It's likely he doesn't even come back to that house any more. His wife remarried, his son is is now almost 40 years old. Neither of them live there any more.

My failures haunt me. My  loneliness haunts me. The loss of people I thought were my friends but who decided that I was "too weird" to be worth their friendship haunts and hurts me. Every time this sort of thing happens I feel more and more worthless.

Perhaps for right now, "maybe" needs to be good enough, seeing as none of us really knows the score about why we even exist or what happens when our bodies die. I always enjoyed exploring these mysteries. Such as, why do some people (like my father, although my mother has heard his voice on several occasions since he died, always at a quarter to seven in the morning) leave and not return to haunt their loved ones, while others come back.

An Australian Aboriginal would find the idea that the soul does not continue existence after death ludicrous. I feel that it is unscientific to not be open to possibilities when we have no proof one way or the other. 

Other haunts: 

Again, my failures in life. To be completely broke, to have no friends, to live in squalor, all these things bring my soul down as low as it can go.

I need something...badly.

I need for this misery to end.

Well, I'm not as suicidal as I was a few hours ago. I guess that's something, maybe.

Now, why can't good luck come and haunt me?