Post 200: Coming Out of the Attic is Difficult

While reading a post about CNN news anchor Don Lemon's struggle with coming out of the closet, I was struck once again by the parallels of the decision to be open about one's sexuality and the decision to be open about one's mental illness.

First of all, let me say that HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS. I believe that one's sexual orientation is hard-wired from birth and I believe that a homosexual orientation is simply a natural genetic mutation. I do not say this as an insult. There are many genetic mutations that are actually positive. Homosexuality is, at worst, neutral. Lest you think I'd be swayed by the "homosexuality is a sin" argument, may I say that intolerance is one of the most deplorable sins. So, don't even try that nonsense on me.

Because of the prejudices that homosexuals endure in this society, there tend to be a disproportionate number who suffer from depression. As for mental illness, I can only imagine that it is horrific to be both homosexual and struggling with the prejudices that one faces in this homophobic society and mentally ill as well. 

I was bullied horrifically when I was in school. Interestingly, the rumors that I was a lesbian did not bother me particularly. I laughed those off . I wonder if I would have been able to do so if I actually were a lesbian. I wonder if I would have survived.

I attempted what amounted to two para-suicides during my teen years, once in junior high when I swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin and once in high school when I swallowed several diet pills (speed) and cut my wrists. The aspirin made me sick to my stomach and the cut wrists, although superficial, landed me on a psych hold for a weekend with some really dickish mental health "professionals." Following my treatment by these colossal morons, I have remained very reluctant to seek help for my issues and even when I did, I never felt comfortable being truly open and honest about what was going on with me.

But as we bipolar types with a zillion thoughts racing through our heads so often do, I digress. What I came here to do was compare the challenge of coming out of the closet (being open about one's homosexuality) with coming out of the attic (being open about one's mental illness.) 

The fear in both cases is being judged differently by those one knows.

There is a fear of losing friends. Yes, this happens. But any "friend" who will ditch you in either case was no friend at all in the first place.

There is a fear of losing one's employment. My direct supervisor knows that I have bipolar disorder, as do most of my co-workers. The HR department does not. I did not disclose this when I was hired. I wanted the job and did not want prejudice about my mental health to prevent me from getting it.

I do not date and I will never date again. I am not capable of trusting enough to have the feelings necessary for a successful romantic relationship. What most people don't understand is that I dislike casual sex intensely and it is actually very damaging for me psychologically to engage in such interactions. I am able to turn off my emotions during sex but this ends up being very destructive in the long run. Why the hell would anyone want to do this to oneself?

As someone with bipolar disorder, I do experience periods of hypersexuality. This was actually destructive when I was in a relationship. Oddly enough, my partners accused me of being "too wild," even though they were the only one I was getting wild with. Thankfully as I've aged, the periods of hypersexuality are fewer and further between. They generally involve watching kinky porn involving either group sex or same sex partners, and it doesn't matter if the partners are male or female as long as they are of the same sex. I have decided that this is probably because as a person of heterosexual orientation, heterosexual interactions tend to trigger romantic desires rather than strictly lust, and because I can never fulfill these particular need, it ends up making me depressed. For strictly me, myself, and I interactions to placate hypersexual urges, group or same sex porn is the way to a quick fix. It isn't that I can't write or envision romantic same-sex interactions involving characters, it's just that I don't envision them involving me, and when I've tried to, it doesn't ring true.

I might have been able to work this out when I was younger if I'd had a really supportive partner. But at this point it's too late for that and I really don't want anyone telling me how "you never know, your happily ever may still happen, yada yada." No, it won't. Not in this life. It's not a fight I want to fight any more. That is my decision and not anyone else's to make. I don't want anyone telling me how to feel about this.

When you're gay, it's difficult to take the risk of revealing your sexuality to people who may be narrow-minded and bigoted about something that's simply a normal but misunderstood way to be--something that you were born with, something that harms no-one but the misunderstanding of which can lead to a great deal of harm for the misunderstood gay person.

When you're mentally ill, it's difficult to risk revealing the truth because people will suddenly treat you as if you are stupid or out of control or as if your emotions, thoughts, and wishes are all laughable. 

Is it any wonder that both homosexuals and the mentally ill tend to be at a high risk for suicide?

Here is a favorite song of mine by The Bronski Beat. It is obviously about the author's struggle with being gay in a homophobic social setting. But I relate to it as a mentally ill person who has been rejected more than once because who I am has been completely misunderstood.

Smalltown Boy lyrics
You leave in the morning
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face
Mother will never understand
WHy you had to leave
For the love that you need
Will never be found at home
And the answer you seek
Will never be found at home

Pushed around and kicked around
Always a lonely boy
You were the one
That they'd talk about around town
As they put you down
And as hard as they would try
They'd hurt to make you cry
But you'd never cry to them
Just to your soul
No you'd never cry to them
Just to your soul

{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/bronski-beat-lyrics/smalltown-boy-lyrics.html }