Ten Celebrity Don'ts

This was the writing prompt for the Writer's Workshop: a list of ten celebrity don'ts. This list could pretty much be summed up in two words: Charlie Sheen. Or is that Mel Gibson? Or Lindsay Lohan. Never mind, let's break it down.

1. Racial slurs. These days hate speech is not generally accepted. Mel Gibson made a huge faux pas with this and to a lesser degree, so did Charlie Sheen. Michael Richards (Kramer) probably torpedoed his career for good with his racist slur during a stand-up show. Racism: it ain't cool unless you're playing a KKK meeting.

2. Homophobic slurs. While there may still be enough macho douchebags out there that this one gets overlooked a little more often than the racism, more and more people are realizing that gays are just people and don't deserve to be hated on just because they're attracted to people of the same sex. Homophobia = douchebaggery, pure and simple.

3. Flashing your cooch while getting out of a limo wearing a short skirt and no panties. It looks really, really tacky. Put on the god damn underwear. Seriously--I would never want to ride in a limo that some of these broads have ridden in commando.

4. Fake lesbian behavior to work guys up. It's boring and makes you look like a bimbo. I have no problem with real lesbians, but when you're doing it just for attention, you're an idiot.

5. Being a bad tipper. You're living large, it's time to show a little gratitude and spread the love. Few things are more nauseating than a bad tipper who's rich.

6. Fooling around on your spouse. Especially if said spouse happens to be pregnant with your child while you're fooling around on her *cough*DavidBoreanaz*cough* Or said spouse happened to donate you a kidney *cough*GeorgeLopez*cough*

7. Junior high fat jokes. Not everyone wears a size two. Big people are just as deserving of common decency as skinny ones. If you have to resort to fat jokes, your routine is lacking. The exception: fat comedians have earned the right to make fat jokes. 

8. Ostentatious spending, i.e. $35,000 alligator skin bags...Kim Kardashian. Flaunting it is always gauche, but it is particularly tasteless during these tough economic times.

9. Fake boobs. Seriously, they make you look like a clone. Hollywood starlet with fake boobs. How...the same.

10. Chasing people young enough to be your child or grandchild, especially if you dumped your long-suffering spouse to rob said cradle. Men seem to be guilty of this more often than women, but one does find the occasional cougar.

So, that's my vain and useless list of celebrity behavior that I find offensive. Hopefully I'll be going to sleep now.