My Family's Shite Luck

My brother called my mother last night and told her that he's been sleeping at the fire station (where he's captain) for the last week because his wife told him that he doesn't "excite" her any more. This is fucked up on multiple levels. He works his ass off, so maybe she could cite workaholism. But...

She has rheumatoid arthritis. He takes her EVERYWHERE for her appointments whenever he's home. He does the majority of the housework. He takes care of the 7 dogs--all strays brought in by her. He does everything he asks.

Second, our dad died just 2 1/2 months ago now. So, excuuuuuuse the fuck out of my brother if he's not Mr. Jolly Times, maybe?

So it was a real cunt move on her part. 

Granted, it was never a real passionate marriage. My father actually told my brother that he shouldn't marry my soon to be ex sister in law if he didn't feel passion for her. My brother's reply was "but she's a good person."

Yeah...that's the same mistake I made. Marrying for logic instead of love. Now, it isn't that you need to feel drooling lust constantly for your partner, in fact sometimes that can be a really bad thing to base a relationship on. But there has to be some sort of spark. Otherwise, that person should never be more than a friend.

I feel really awful for my brother. He put a lot into this marriage. She's going to see how much she's fucked herself over once he's not there to do everything she needs any more. But he should never, ever go back. Once someone stabs you in the heart that way, they'll do it again. She's unstable. But it cannot be his problem any more.

Check out Motorama – Ship @lastfm http://t.co/5a8pZFD Folky Russian stuff

Check out oOoOO – Ruidos @lastfm http://t.co/1aClzVZ Pretty, ambient stuff

T Sex: this dinosaur spends life boasting about sexual prowess. Sadly his equipment & technique like his teeny arms & brain is substandard

http://ping.fm/OoTGj Tyrannosaurus Sex

Off to get a sandwich, then back to work on my Project of Doom.

Maybe the girls Ms. Shallow was talking about weren't "gorgeous" but they had something she lacked, like a personality? Hot is subjective.

Quit following this gal on Twitter who kept tweeting how everyone has to be "hot" and she doesn't know how hot guys end up w/ "ugly" girls.

RT @donni People who live in a House Of Pancakes shouldn't throw syrup.

Since this is the month for <3 have ur childs heart checked Some <3 conditions r asymptomatic til it's too late RIP Mattman Surcy 1997-2005

Suicide: When Life Becomes Too Much

Suicide is a potential issue for people from all walks of life but statistics show that LGBT youth are more likely than others to attempt or complete suicide. Autumn Sandeen, a trans-woman who is one of the bloggers with Pam's House Blend, discusses in this post her thoughts on a friend and fellow journalist who committed suicide.

This was my response to Autumn.

Autumn, I am sorry for your loss of your friend. This is such a hard world, so full of stigma. I am straight and am a natal female who is okay with my gender--never had penis envy, but did envy the opportunities offered to those with penises that we with vaginas didn't have. I live with comorbid mental disorders: bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Plus, I am a heavy person in a world that believes skinniness to holiness and fatness to be a sign of sloth and depravity. I was a cutter when I was young and when things go particularly wrong I still have to fight the urge to self-harm. I had numerous para-suicides and one real suicide attempt. I was almost 40 before a counselor finally realized what was actually wrong with me. I had been misdiagnosed as having "depression with anxiety" for years because type II bipolar does not present with full manias. My hoarding issues (hoarding disorder is an offshoot of obsessive compulsive disorder) began to make sense instead of just being a sign that I was "a lazy ass."
I was also once diagnosed as a "hysterical neurotic." Do you love that? Maybe I just needed to have a good "hysterical paroxysm" and everything would have been cool--ha!
I support the Trevor foundation and the struggles of people of all races, nationalities, genders, and sexual orientations. And I am a supporter of compassionate, affordable mental health care for all. I am glad for blogs like this which educate and hopefully help people to know they are not alone in their struggles.
Peace.

Unhappy about weight gain

I said I wouldn't talk that much about my weight, and I didn't let a gain of nearly 8 pounds since December make me unleash a diatribe against myself. But I am not happy to be at 278 pounds. This does not mean I am saying that nobody should be at 278 pounds--or heavier--or that nobody should accept themselves at this or any other weight. Far from it! I am only saying that I was not happy to see that number on the scale for myself. 

This blog would never be able to be on the Fat Acceptance list because of the fact that sometimes thoughts about my weight do creep in. It's a personal issues blog. But I reiterate that I am pro Fat Acceptance, and will be Adipositive no matter my own weight.

I believe that I will be able to lose some weight (which is important to me--it doesn't have to be important to anyone else and in the long run it doesn't fucking matter) when I am through with the nursing program. Right now it is something that I can't even focus on. I will never do any hard core dieting and I will never be one of those people that discusses nothing but my caloric intake. I find such people dull as dirt. But just like it would be a terrible time to quit smoking (although I wouldn't be allowed to smoke prior to clinicals if I did smoke--if people show up to clinicals smelling like cigarettes, they're sent home) it is a terrible time to make any drastic changes to my eating habits.

Here is what I am in the middle of.

Working, of course.

Going to school/doing clinicals

Cleaning up the back of my water damaged house. I won't go into details but it has been BAD TIMES. I've been the only one working on it and its been slow going.

I work graveyard shift. The clinicals are during the day. I think this is the primary reason that my blood pressure is elevated.

My blood pressure is normally in the 120's over 70's or 80's. Currently it is up in the 150's or 160's over high 80's and 90's. This is not good and I plan to call the doctor on Monday.  Not to mention that unlike a lot of people I am not asymptomatic with hypertension. The constant tinnitus alone is driving me bat shit. I sometimes get headaches and I'm sometimes anxious as well.

My father's quality of life was severely compromised by a hemorrhagic stroke. He had hypertension, possibly caused by atherosclerosis. The two fed each other. I refuse to allow such a thing to happen to me if it is at all possible to prevent it. His life was nightmarish during his last few years.

The one thing that I fear happening is the doctor giving me the Lardass Lecture like he did the last time my blood pressure was elevated--which happened, by the way, because he put me on Thyroxine and then elevated the dose over a period of a few months because I wasn't responding to it. It put me into a state of artificial hyperthyroidism. I'd rather be a quart low and testing has shown that I don't actually have primary hypothyroidism. The problem seems to be related to my pituitary rather than my thyroid. I've been taking a natural supplement and my thyroid readings normalized.

No, Friends, my hypertension is unrelated to the adipose tissue on my caboose and other body parts. It is 100% due to stress, particularly to the flip-flopping sleep schedule. Because of what happened to my father, I'm not going to play around. I am also going to be very assertive regarding what medication I take. When my blood pressure went up previously the doctor put me on a beta blocker. I cannot take beta blockers. They tank my energy levels to the lowest depths and also suppress my respirations. I don't like feeling like I'm breathing under water.

I also don't want to try a "pril." I am the queen of side effects. Prils, or ACE inhibitors, have the common side effect of making people cough. When my mother was taking Lisinopril, she coughed so hard that she almost passed out. My mother and I tend to have similar negative reactions to drugs--she can't take Thyroxine either. I'm not even going to go there. I can't be having to leave the room every 5 seconds during clinicals to cough uncontrollably. 

I am going to insist on a calcium channel blocker. They are the newest of the antihypertensives and reportedly have fewer side effects than either beta blockers or ACE inhibitors. They are also more expensive--but of course. I'm going to ask about amlodipine (Norvasc) because it seems to be the one least likely to cause bradycardia as a side effect. When I was on propranolol (a beta blocker) it tanked my heart rate to the 40's. 

I also intend to try and stop taking the medication once nursing school is over and see if my blood pressure goes back to normal. I would rather not take any medication (except for my Lithium) if at all possible.

I am also going to remind the doctor, although he put it in my chart, that I am extremely sensitive to medication and need to be given the lowest dose possible.