Wish Dreams: Return of Lost Friend

I had a wishful thinking dream that the friend who dumped me back in October left me a comment saying he was sorry for his treatment of me and inviting me to come see the new videos he'd made and posted on his blog. I forgave him for his behavior and we started commenting and being supportive of each other again, like nothing had happened, and I felt really happy.

I don't expect that this will ever happen. This person felt very self-righteous about what he did. He was, at least on the surface, angry about the amount of posts appearing from another Facebook friend regarding a game she was playing. So the angry friend, let's call him Gary, posted a message in his status asking if anyone knew how to get rid of the "weirdos" on his friends list.

It was actually the person that Gary was angry with who responded. She told him how you unfriend someone. She also jokingly wrote that she hoped it wasn't her whom he was referring to because no-one is weirder than she.

Two minutes later, Gary had unfriended her. He left the scathing message that she wasn't weird, she was just emotionally immature, taking up everyone's wall with her crap.

She wasn't aware that she was doing so. As well, there are ways to block posts from certain applications or to "hide" certain friends that you'd rather just check in on occasionally. There's no need to be nasty. As well he could have politely told her that he was unfriending her because of her game posts.

I called Gary out on his behavior, telling him that this wasn't cool. I told him that I knew he'd been under stress lately and if there was anything he needed I was there for him, but this wasn't cool.

Gary responded in a nasty fashion, saying he didn't care, he just needed to be sarcastic to someone because the reception to the videos he'd created had been very sarcastic.

I responded that I cared about him and maybe he needed to disable comments for his videos because some people are just assholes and he didn't need that negative energy in his life.

He unfriended me and never responded to any following emails.

Because we had been friends for five years, this really hurt. I thought that Gary accepted me as I was and this caused me to trust him. 

There was a book that I was planning on compiling of posts created over the last 5 years by Gary, myself, and another friend about a mutually shared character. All of the proceeds would have gone to a local animal shelter where I got 2 of my cats. The book will never be now because I will never be able to get permission from Gary to use his work. 

I would forgive Gary if by some miracle he asked for forgiveness. But I think he feels very self-righteous and justified in his behavior, which was, frankly, awful, and more emotionally immature than anything the person he attacked did.

I hate wishful thinking dreams. One wakes from them thinking something wonderful has happened, only to discover that not only has it not happened, it cannot and will not happen.

Teasing in Gym Class Good for Kids? WTF?

Kids shouldn't be allowed to opt out of gym class because it'll inspire them to lose weight if they are teased about being fat. Hmm.....

I enjoy "Dumb as a Blog" when it's about dumb criminals, not so much when the writers take on social issues. Because they tend to come up with poorly thought out opinions and slap it out on the computer. That there are more overweight kids in the United States today? True. That more schools are allowing kids to opt out of gym class? I'll buy that. But that it would be good for the "little porkers" to be forced to take gym and endure the taunts of their more slender classmates because it would inspire them to lose the chub? ARE YOU INSANE???

This was my response to this Crazy Train of thought.

I have to say you are dead wrong on the account that having other kids "taunt" a chubby classmate is good for them. I wasn't chubby but I had some neurological and movement disorders and was taunted mercilessly. I am nearly 50 years old and am still very insecure about my body. Bullying should NEVER be allowed. Also, although I wasn't overweight, when I hit my teens I developed a rather prominent booty and thick thighs and also developed BULIMIA! Please rethink your assessment of this. A lot of kids might be more inclined to take gym class IF THEY KNEW THEY WOULD BE SAFE FROM TEASING!

I never do the caps-lock thing, so let me tell you, I feel extremely passionate about your choice of wording on this subject. Gym class was torture for me, and I wasn't the only one that felt this way.

Neediness vs. Ugliness

This quote puts my thoughts into words better than I have ever been able to myself.

‘There are a lot of people who want to become “spiritual”, which I have a little bit of – but I hate new-agey stuff. They want everything to be beautiful. Well, I’m sorry, life feeds on life and there’s a horror involved in that, and to not pay attention to that is just to be naive.’

--Leslie Kenton

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-1246717/Leslie-Kenton-reveals-incestuous-relationship-father.html#ixzz19DMxbzwl

Leslie is the daughter of the great big band leader, Stan Kenton. He was always one of my favorites. Unfortunately, he seems to have been a very sick man who did some terrible things. Leslie describes him as having been a childlike person. He had severe substance abuse issues. 

Sometimes people fitting this description become friends with their child, treating them as a buddy or a brother or sister rather than having a parent-child relationship with them. Sometimes people form what I call emotional marriages with persons with whom they have an otherwise platonic relationship, such as a friend, sibling, or child. This relationship takes the place of the marriage partnership, although it is not incestuous and there is no desire for sexuality on the part of the parent when such a relationship forms. It may be dysfunctional at the core and may reveal the parent to be emotionally immature. But it is not destructive, like the relationship between Leslie and her father was.

First John Phillips, now Stan Kenton. I hope no other of my musical heroes turn out to be twisted in this way!

Check out Bing Crosby – Silent Night @lastfm http://t.co/EorW8tx

Check out Louis Armstrong – What A Wonderful World @lastfm http://t.co/u64jrVf There have been other versions of this song, but this is best

Check out Nat King Cole – Unforgettable @lastfm http://t.co/tFBuT7w I also enjoy the standards.

RT @jillybobww LOL! When u think about it, drum solo is really inappropriate gift 4 baby. Am sure Mary could've done without ruckus as well

Submit to the power of Emergen-C, you damn cold virus! An unwelcome holiday guest, to be sure.

It's probably questionable logic to try an experimental recipe on Christmas when I can't just run out for a pizza, but oh well, call me nutz

Representing the Lollipop Guild and welcoming you to Munchkin land.

http://ping.fm/3ZI96 Gratefulness.org

http://ping.fm/p9UrX What people around the world eat

RT @brainpicker The physics of Santa's sleigh – scholars look at the at the aerodynamics, thermodynamics and statistics http://is.gd/jqNgR

http://ping.fm/qQNmq An inspiring story

http://ping.fm/c2I7M Looks interesting, but I have a hard enough time w/my brownies.

http://ping.fm/E9tAW A graduate of the Gordon Ramsay school of etiquette!

http://ping.fm/J0LF2 What not to say to depressed person

http://ping.fm/kFN03 Get on down with James Brown and RBUMM's own Mickey Ratt!

http://ping.fm/T1RDd And now a word from your UNDEAD sponsor!

Check out Dr. Doo-Doo's Holiday Prescription! http://ping.fm/Gf0xz

Check out Little Boy Blues – I Can Only Give You Everything @lastfm http://t.co/FC1FY9l I always have to return to my roots!

Check out Hound Dogs – I Like Girls (Phunk Investigation Fantasy Mix) @lastfm http://t.co/IM7C2yf Sometimes I like dance music w/silly lyrix

I like all kinds of music. I hate when people try to tell me I can't like a certain kind of music if I like another. I can like what I want!

Check out Pessimist – Infernal Death @lastfm http://t.co/PiO1tVJ Of course there's certainly something to be said for Death Metal!

Check out The Third Bardo – I'm Five Years Ahead of My Time @lastfm http://t.co/QIMeqMZ 60's psychedelic and garage rock is my favorite!

http://ping.fm/RPuOR Even though I'm a "fallen" Catholic, I still get comfort from lighting a candle.

So I was smart--I weighed myself BEFORE eating the holiday treat! And the result was: more than it should be but less than it could be.

Just spilled soda all over my leg. Then stood up and banged my head against the freezer handle. Good times!

Wish I could eat some chocolate chip cookies, but since my belly already looks like Santa's, it's probably best that I don't. :0(

Looks like George Lopez is sporting a porn star mustache these days.

Fighting a cold. Time for some Emergen-C!

Hey Douchebag: Hate is Not Okay

This is a response to the rant on Fat and Not Afraid about the attacks her size acceptance thread endures.

What we need to keep fighting for is to push the idea that hate is never okay. These jerks just want to have a scapegoat. Currently, big people are the scapegoat.

I am always fighting to lose weight (I weigh 275 pounds) but I need to be able to be okay with myself at this size. There is a chance that I will always be this size. I am not, in fact, unhealthy. I don't have hypertension or diabetes. The only thing I really worry about is the stress on my knees and ankles from carrying around excess weight. 

I have always been accepting of people of all sizes. I don't hate skinny people. What I hate is the assertion that skinny people are somehow angelic simply for being the size that they are while large people are demonized.

I just love the "free speech" argument in a private publication of any kind. No, you do NOT have "free speech" rights here, douchebag. It's a privately owned publication--blog, thread, whatever.

Arrrgggh!!! Blaaaah!!!!!

http://ping.fm/NTOVW Help Dan Brickley of Hit Dan Back collect toys for needy kids!

Happy Fucking Holidays You Snotty Bitch

 It's no ones fault that those people don't have anything. Mother can't feed her kids? Shouldn't have had kids. Man homeless on street? Shouldn't have fucked up his life. I hate when people make excuses for shitty lives people have. Not everyone is in that place. I'm going by my status and luxury in my life. It's a shame that people are homeless, but people around me CAN buy things but they only cater to one child or don't know someone well enough to get them what they want/or listen. It's not my, or anyone else problem about less fortunate people. People have the right to say what they want. It's not my problem about those people. I know this may come off mean, but people shouldn't have to not live with what they have because others can't...

A particularly vile little twat wrote this particular response to a friend's comment that she was sick of hearing people bitch about the "lame" presents they've received. My friend is not getting any gifts this year--her family can't afford it. I'm not getting my son any gifts this year. We're trying to fix up this trashed out house. This is the first year I'll be without my father, and I really agree with my friend. So sorry your dad forgot to buy you the Stupid Spoiled Whore Playset so you could be more like your heroine Paris Hilton, oh Bratty One. Now, get thee a nice hot steaming cup of STFU and be glad for what you have!

Decent Mood

I am pleased to be in a decent mood tonight. As someone with the shitty disease that is bipolar disorder, I always find myself wondering which of my moods actually belongs to me, and which is part and parcel of this fucking disease. For the moment, no matter. Tempest Le Trope rides again (my semi-satirical fantasy romance novelist incarnation) and you can check out her Twitter novel as it forms at either http://tempestletrope.typepad.com or http://torridtempest.blogspot.com

It does make a difference to me when people comment. It makes me feel like someone hears what I'm saying. Of course I'm going to write it anyway, regardless, but unfortunately the soul (at least this soul) enjoys feeding on a bit of praise now and then. What I'm trying to say in my roundabout way is THANK YOU to those of you who have left comments, you are the best of the best!

Of course this means that all who have left comments recently are polite and decent people. I appreciate that too. I'd be seething if some jackwagon had something stupid and mean-spirited to dump on me. It's not that people have to agree with me wholesale, just that if they don't they ought to be civil in their disagreement!

Again, thank you, and whatever the reason for the mental upsweep, I'll ride the wave!

Hang ten!

Faycin, wishing she could be a beach bum. Unfortunately the last time I tried to lounge by the seashore, Greenpeace came along and threw me into the ocean!

My humor blogs

I continue doing my humor blogs even though nobody looks at them any more. I probably should just stop. I like to do them but it's discouraging to have not only no audience but seemingly an anti-audience. Also it tends to remind me of the person that I thought was my friend for a long time but turned out to be harboring hatred for me. I still don't understand this individual's actions. I really don't know what I ever did to them besides try to be nice.

Not Happy

I try not to whine because nobody likes a whiner, yada yada. But I'm feeling very bad today. I feel very lonely and abandoned. No matter what I do it is never any good. I wish I were dead.

Faycin is Seeing Stars and Emulating them Too

Stars that you will find in this post:

Red Giant Star

A white dwarf star

A Rock star

Reality TV "stars" (more like a cultural black hole)

Well, at least if one is going to have an erotic dream, it is best if one's partner is not repulsive. The unfortunate thing is that often when I have this type of dream, the partner is someone that I would not touch with a ten foot pole. At least in this case they were someone who is not repulsive. However when I woke up, I had to laugh, because my first thought was "yeah, THAT would happen--so not!"

Nikki Sixx is a cool guy and he's not bad looking at all. But I must say, I am not his type. Not even because I'm overweight and have my own natural boobs, but because I'm not abusive enough. This guy only goes for women who will eventually take a crap on his emotions. His last girlfriend was Kat von D--really, dude? Kat von D?--Who at any rate, dumped him for Jesse Shames because she thought that it was "hot" that Jesse is the most hated man in America.

Faycin and Nikki Sixx--do I think we'd be chums if we met? Yes, I do. We tend to find the same things interesting, and, as I said, he actually is a nice guy. Do I think we'd, even in the wildest of circumstances, be an item? No, I do not. Faycin is too much of a nice gal.

There are people out there--both male and female--who are only attracted to those who are going to abuse them. I used to be like that. I used to find guys who were totally emotionally unavailable and pursue them so I could fix them. At this point I do not want any romantic relationships because I know I only get involved in fucked up ones. 

Of course, one of these days hell may in fact freeze over, and Nikki Sixx and Faycin may meet and find out we don't want to be abused emotionally any more and will settle down in a glorious middle aged sex fest that everyone will hope and pray we aren't sick or stupid enough to release as a sex tape.

Honestly--how anyone could think that other people actually want to watch them having sex is beyond me.

Of course, I tend to be kind of asexual in my waking life, so it really doesn't matter anyhow.

Besides, I'm having such a horrifying time with perimenopause that the last thing I feel is sexy. I go five weeks between visits from Aunt Flo, but when the bitch comes, she stays for two weeks! 

Comparing women to stars, this is the "red giant" phase of the female life cycle. Everything is expanding. The length between Aunt Flo visits is growing longer, but the visits last for a longer time and are heavier. NOT FUN! I await the "white dwarf" phase when it's all done and over with and I can put Aunt Flo into her tomb for good!

Rape Trauma

Mikael at My Clouds and My Storms blogged about her rape, which reminded me of the times when it happened to me as an adult. I was raped by my ex-boyfriend in the early morning hours of November 1 1997. I thought that we were "still friends." I did many things that were stupid that night. One was thinking we were still friends. Another was driving drunk to get him away from the party where he had gotten so pissed off when one of my co-workers kissed me. The third was thinking the bastard had left my house and going to bed (albeit with all my clothes on) without being sure he had gone and locking the door. 

I was so trashed I probably shouldn't have been walking, let alone driving. I woke up with my clothes off and him on top of me. I groaned at him to stop it but of course he didn't. He did his thing for several minutes, then after he had ejaculated he got up and said "well, now we're back together again." He then left.

I had panic attacks for a year following this assault. There really wasn't much in the way of penetration--the guy had a very small penis (I'm pretty sure he had Klinefelter syndrome) and difficulty getting erections. But I was crushed underneath him, he had undressed me, and he hammered and ground his genitals against mine until he ejaculated. Only the physical pain was missing.

I never pressed charges because I was sure that being drunk, the police would think I deserved it.

I was also raped at the age of 18 by a guy I met in line for concert tickets. I thought he was a nice guy so I went back to his place with him. I ended up with a horrible infection and a tremendously lowered sense of self esteem, not that I had much in the first place. This predator came back later to tell me that he hoped I was pregnant so we'd have to stay together. Thank whatever powers there may be that I wasn't. Once again I did not press charges because I was sure that since I had been drinking and smoking marijuana at the time, the cops would not take me seriously. 

With the rape at 18 the guy had a normal size penis, so there was penetration and it was painful. However, the psychological trauma was equally bad in both cases, although I did not have panic attacks after the assault at 18. Maybe it's because I was conscious the whole time. Waking up to someone sexually assaulting you opens a whole new can of worms.

Sorry about the rant, but thank you for your honesty. I am able to think about these events now without having severe traumatic reactions. However, I still sleep on the couch even after 13 years. Sleeping in a bed leaves me feeling vulnerable.

Sometimes Dreams Suck

Dreamed that I looked down the hall to see my father's corpse in a desk chair in my son's room. My son had his arms around the body of his grandfather, propping it up. I was sure that I screamed "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" repeatedly, but I suppose it was only in my mind. 

I have not cried much over my father's death. Either I have not really acknowledged that he is dead (even though I logically realize that) or I already grieved as he got sicker and sicker. There isn't a deep, heart-rending hopelessness. Life goes on, as it had to when he got sicker and sicker, and his suffering is done. But there is this awful emptiness when I think about him.

"I want to tell Dad (fill in the blank)"

"But I can't."

"Shit....this sucks."

And then there's the emptiness and a feeling of regret and remorse. 

I can't allow for heart-rending grief, I suppose. I can't fall apart. There's too much to do. And in many ways, I already grieved.

But for fuck's sake, if I'm going to dream about my father, I want to dream about him as he was in life or is now in spirit. I don't want to dream about a corpse propped in a chair.

I wonder if this has to do with my being confronted with a discouraging situation of acerbic Atheism from a person whom I still like but whom I don't feel comfortable with since she adopted this belief system. I think a better word for it is "nihilism." I do know atheists with whom I'm perfectly comfortable communicating. They do not believe in a deity or in spirits, but they are not assholes about it and acknowledge that other people have the right to their beliefs. 

Nihilists, on the other hand, are the only people on Earth as capable of pissing me off as Fundie Criss-chuns. I call them Criss-chuns because they sure ain't Christians. Nihilists and Criss-chuns both believe that only they are right. They are superior because they are the only ones who are right. And everyone else is either damned to hell or damned to stupidity. 

I realize that any kind of Fundamentalist is horrible, but these are the two types that I encounter the most often. I would hate to be as narrow in my thinking as they are.

Squamous cell Carcinoma

SQUAMOUS CELL CARCINOMA: THE SECOND MOST COMMON SKIN CANCER

There has been a good deal of education about malignant melanoma in recent years, but there are other types of skin cancers that one needs to be aware of as well. Squamous cell carcinoma is the second most common type of diagnosed skin cancer, yet many people have never heard of it. And the most commonly diagnosed skin cancer is actually basal cell carcinoma, not malignant melanoma. While it is important to be aware of malignant melanoma, it is also important to keep these other types of skin cancer in mind.

The outer layer of skin, or epidermis, is composed of squamous cells. Squamous cell carcinoma arises in these cells. Squamous cell carcinomas vary somewhat in appearance and may be mistaken for scabs, warts, or a rough patch of skin. However, they do not heal and may be prone to bleeding. They may appear as open sores with a raised border and a crusted surface over an elevated pebbly base. Any persistent sore which does not heal normally should be examined by a physician.

Persons with fair skin and light-colored eyes are at the greatest risk for developing squamous cell carcinoma, however anyone who has had substantial sun exposure may develop this cancer regardless of their skin color. Chronic inflammation and injury to the skin may also preclude development of squamous cell carcinoma.

If detected in the early stages, squamous cell carcinomas are almost always curable and removal leaves minimal damage. Removal is normally an outpatient procedure performed with a local anesthetic. In some cases, laser removal, cryosurgery (freezing) or radiation may be chosen to remove the growth.

It is important to examine your skin once a month for abnormal growths or wounds that don't heal. As well, taking preventative measures such as staying out of the sun between 10 AM and 2 PM, wearing sunscreen, and wearing a hat with a brim for protection of the face and ears can be helpful in preventing skin cancers. Avoid the use of tanning beds as the UV radiation from these devices can promote the development of skin cancers.

Medical Reviewers: 

Perry Robins, MD 

Alfred W. Kopf, MD 

Ronald G. Wheeland, MD 

Photographs Courtesy of: 

William A. Crutcher, MD 

Alfred W. Kopf, MD 

Mark Lebwohl, MD 

Ashfaq Marghoob, MD 

Leonard J. Swinyer, MD

Retrieved from: http://www.skincancer.org/squamous-cell-carcinoma.html

Skin Cancer Risks

I got a lot of sun exposure as a child living in New Mexico. I also got sun poisoning when visiting California at the age of 16 and being a dummy that didn't put on a shirt when going out to play in the ocean at 2 PM. There were tiny blisters all over the exposed area of my chest and shoulders (above the breast area of the swim suit.) I used to get blisters on my back all the time from sun exposure as a child. This was back in the early 1970's. We didn't know. A good healthy tan was the thing to aim for and if you get burnt in the process, so be it.

A number of years ago I had a mole removed from my torso that had developed an irregular border. It turned out to be benign, but it worried me a bit.

My father had a friend who died in his early 40's from melanoma. The melanoma was behind his ear and it wasn't discovered until it was too late.

Silence of the Blogs

I miss the interaction I used to have on my blogs. I never had a lot of visitors but there were some people who tended to interact with me and there was a rapport. I'm developing that with new people and that's a plus. At least one of the people that I felt close ties with turned out to be a far bigger jerk than I could have possibly imagined. I still don't understand this individual's animosity. But if someone's like that, it's no good hanging onto them--although obviously there's still a part of me that is. One does not need people like that in their life.

I always found it hard to get up and face the day, but it's been harder since my father died. However, it's nearly 11 AM. Time for brunch (translate: last night's leftovers) and pills and working on this damn science report. Only this unit and one more unit and that class is done!

Maybe one day facing the sun won't hurt so much. But it has ever since I was a teenager so I suppose that's kind of wishful thinking. I prefer the night. It hides the tears.

New Blog

My diary of thoughts for my father.

Superstitious Fools

A young Pagan friend has started a blog about her journey through discovering the Old Path. It's a fairly new blog so the Fundies haven't had a chance to come attack yet. I want to share the word about her new blog, and also present my own thoughts that I shared on her most recent post.

They have a general meditation room at work and I work graveyard shift. I do my thing there although it is nothing elaborate. All I have is a scented candle because burning incense would be too obtrusive. I don't have any of the other stuff. I don't do it at home because my plethora of cats would knock it over. 

I have to laugh at the superstitious fools (and I'm pissed off right now so sorry for being so disdainful) who think there's something oooh so scary about a Pagan altar but there's nothing wrong with whatever they're doing in their church because that's been dubbed "Christian." It's all labels. 

When I was younger I used to get so upset when such people labeled me a "Satan worshiper" even though outside I laughed at them and threw them the horns. These days I don't care a thing if someone tells me I'm "going to hell." I'm a grouchy old curmudgeon who has suffered a lot with mental illness and I say "hell? Ha! Bring it on, beeyatch! Oh yeah, and kiss my bipolar pagan ass!"

Keep doing what you're doing and don't let the superstitious twats with their brains in the middle ages get you down. Those bastards did more harm than any Pagan ever did. Killing people for their peaceful, Nature worshiping beliefs, killing harmless black cats, suppressing women--I hates 'em! It isn't that I hate all Christians because I do know some good ones, and Jesus is fine by me because he's a good guy, but those types just need to screw off. They don't have a monopoly on the truth by a long shot.

End of rant!

Living Sucks

Why the fuck do we have to live? Surely it's a punishment of some kind. We live so we can get shit on by people, get hurt, watch other people and creatures suffer and die. I can't see any god damn point to it. I just feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to eat but I have to force myself to drink some ginger ale at least so I can take my stupid pills without eating a hole in my stomach. I hate food. Writing is a moot point because in the end it's just a jumble of words that amounted to nothing. Studying is a huge pain in my ass and housework is a worse one. I think I'd just end it for being tired as hell of it except for the fact that I'd fuck the hell out of my son and my animals if I did that. Both are dependent on me.

Stick a fucking fork in me, I'm done. Oh yeah and God, if there is a god, fuck you. This shit is the rat's ass and I am not enjoying it one single bit, fuck you very much. Go ahead and smite me, you cosmic dick! I've been daring you to do it for years! You couldn't even pull off a cosmic death ray when the sun was throwing those solar flares, you fucking wanker!

No offense intended to my Christian friends. I was raised Catholic, turned into sort of a Buddhist/Pagan mish-mosh, and can't think of the names of any specific creator deities right now. No disrespect meant. I am just very angry right now. I often become angry because I can't deal with sadness so I get pissed off.

I need to get a Buddhist book on dealing with grief. Buddhism generally helps me better in these situations than other religions. I have studied all religions and have respect for them, except for that kind of Fundie crap-ola which believes in some cosmic douchebag that is hateful to everybody. That is not the rest of y'all because what you believe in is a benevolent creator spirit. I'm actually okay with that guy. 

I'm just very angry right now like I said and shaking my fist at the fucker who took my father from me. My father, who had been suffering for years, especially the past year. My father, who had congestive heart failure, was confused and afraid, and whose toes had turned purple due to lack of circulation. My father, who was in constant agony. Yeah, that guy, who is now at peace, and I selfishly fucking want to talk to him one more time. That guy. And here is me, the selfish cunt, railing and hating and not able to eat because I just want to puke if I eat. Me. The most angry, pissed-off person who does not want to carry a gun and kill people, she just wants to stop doing everything that she still has to do and die because life is shit.

Life is suffering, life is pain, the little respites where you pretend it isn't are delusion, and one of these days I am going to get my hands around the throats of the fuckers who cooked it up to be this way because it is pretty fucking sadistic.

That is all.

Dad: May 31, 1936 - November 28, 2010

Last Rites

My father was given last rites this evening. My brother is here until next Friday. I tend to become easily confused and forget what I'm doing at this point. I'm having trouble directing my own activities.

My arms and hands suddenly started hurting really, really badly. I haven't really cried much. I do things like babble at people, changing my thoughts mid-sentence. My cat Anna is sitting on my lap. The world seems kind of unreal right now, like I'm a ghost walking through it. Yet there are things that I really, really must continue doing.

even though working as a nurse is not my passion I believe that I have always been predisposed to working with the dying. It seems more "good" on the surface to work with the living, and with the newborn. I like newborns, and I have a sense for the dying. I guess it's everything in between that I don't give a shit about--ha!

Just being in that hospice yesterday changed my thoughts on working in nursing though. Seeing as it seems to be something I'm stuck with at this point I might as well do it in a capacity that seems fulfilling to my soul. 

Writing is what I really love but I have to make a living too, whether or not it pays. 

My ideas for my life involve writing, fixing my place up, becoming a counselor with a focus on Jungian psychology and using the Tarot as a focus for counseling, and if I have to, working as as a nurse on a Baylor shift, perhaps in hospice, or perhaps where I'm currently employed. 

See? Babbling.

Be glad you aren't forced to actually talk to me right now.

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday my father seemed to be rallying and they were talking about sending him home with additional help from hospice care. Today he took a serious turn for the worse. He is mostly sleeping now with the help of Dilaudid and Haldol. When he wakes he calls out "help me, Jesus." The director of hospice told my mother that my father will not be leaving hospice, his condition has worsened too much. My brother was going to come Wednesday but he's flying in tonight.

It seems that the end will come soon. There's much that I wish that I could have done differently.

Update on my Father

I visited my father at hospice yesterday and he was doing better than I expected. They managed to control the pain in his right leg using dilaudid, and the medication had the effect of also making him a bit more compliant, so he kept his oxygen on--something that he's not good at when he's at home. He slept for a whole four hours, which is something that he hasn't done in at least two years. Normally he doesn't sleep for more than a couple of hours. He ate a decent dinner. I think that being off the meds is allowing his appetite to come back.

He's slated to go home again, hopefully with more help from hospice for my mother. 

We were all thinking that he was on his way out yesterday, but he rebounded and surprised us. That was something to be thankful for. I know he doesn't have a real long time left and the clot in his leg is a time bomb, but hopefully he can at least be comfortable.

Good News

Dad was doing better than expected. They were able to manage his pain so he actually slept for a solid four hours, which he hasn't done in at least two years. He kept dozing off but was able to eat a good dinner. At this rate he should be able to go home in a few days. Hopefully with the pain properly managed, whatever time he has left will be reasonably pleasant, all things considered. I was glad to see him doing so well.

The hospice facility is so nice and the staff is wonderful. I think that having a good environment is very helpful too. Not the hustling around and all business of the hospital and a more pleasant setting than the nursing home that he has had to go to for rehab on previous occasions. He hates that place and I don't blame him.

Hope you all had a pleasant day. I know some of you have difficult circumstances and I hope you were able to find peace.

Faycin

Last Stop Before Boarding the Train Home

My father has gone to hospice. It is very doubtful that he will ever go home again. He is in too much pain and too weak. I'm going to go with my son to see him later this afternoon.

I'm glad he's in hospice and not the nursing home. The hospice center is beautiful. He hated the nursing home whenever had had to go there for rehab.

Not much else to say. There's so much I wish I could tell him. I wish that I had learned about my bipolar disorder ten--or better yet twenty--years ago so I could have been treated and not gone into raging outbursts at him the way I did for so many years. He was a loving but--believe me--an incredibly abrasive and controlling person and he always managed to push my buttons. I would rail at him, throw things, scream. My risk-taking behaviors were very painful to him. I wish that I had been like I became after the age of 38 when I was diagnosed--but particularly the way I've become in the past year--a lot sooner.

I'm glad he held on for this long. But he's in too much pain and it's time for him to go now.

Happy Thanksgiving, people. I mean that. Have a good one with your family, whichever family is best for you.

Love,

Faycin

Dad

The prognosis for my father at this point is that he has about two months to live. He has a clot in his right leg and has opted not to treat. He is being taken off all his medications except for Lasix. He has right side congestive heart failure, which means he has edema in his extremities and trunk. If his trunk swells too much it is hard for him to breathe due to the pressure on his lungs. Unlike left sided CHF the fluid does not build up in the lungs, but it can still make breathing difficult.

My father is not eating well but maybe once the medications clear his system he'll feel better and want to eat. They make him feel nauseated and alter his sense of taste. He is on hospice at this time.

The reason I don't present as more upset is because his health has been very poor for some time. This is not unexpected. It doesn't mean I'm not sad, but what good would it do to fall apart?

It will sound silly but I bought him one of those copper magnetic bracelets. Maybe it will balance his energies and make him more comfortable.

Peace.

Faycin

http://ping.fm/s23B1 HELP Humane society

http://ping.fm/A184A Ubroadcast Radio

I owe I owe so off to work I go. Hope the giant mutant rats in the basement behave tonight!

My stomach is growling, I have to get ready for work, nothing I have in the fridge sounds good, and I'm broke so I can't pick something up.

Clutterers Anonymous http://ping.fm/ZL8Q8

I hate to sound like the stereotypical old fogey, but WTF are these fools even saying in this Samsung Intercept commercial?

I hate when I wake up and it's dark out. It's disconcerting and makes me worry that I'm late to work.

Many writer friends are doing NaNoWriMo this month. Yay for you! Too late for me to start but I've a book in mine. Mine is non fiction.

Hollywood Wives the New Generation: cheesy early 2000s chick flick with the lovely late Farrah Fawcett.

Oh wow, I've so many new friends this morning! Welcome and thank you one and all! :-D

Worshiping ostentatious celebutante prats strikes me as the ultimate exercise in empty idolatry.

http://ping.fm/WkMRb Thoughts from people with Pentasomy X, and their parents.

http://ping.fm/TDp53 Beautiful piebald cats

Smurfy

You know, I think I really like cheese. How 'bout you?

What the hell is wrong with you, stupid Ping?

Faycin is now going to write a story.

Crap.

Let's see if I can work it now!

Reset

One more time--testing!

Let's try it again. Faycin to Facebook, do you read?

Faycin to Facebook--can you hear me?

Testing, one two three!

Save a Dog on Facebook http://ping.fm/srBuJ

Oh...glee? Another Hot Pocket dinner.

Is it just me, or do people who talk about "rocking" their attire (i.e. dress, swimsuit, hairstyle, pants) need to be choked? I hate that!

In Memory - Blooming Psycho's New Strange World Today http://ping.fm/L6L46

http://www.eatjerky.biz Check this out if you like jerky and fruit leather. Better than anything in the store. No preservatives most no MSG.

Curse this ice and snow! I've got cabin fever--bad!

Twitter Phishing Attack Spreading via Direct Message [WARNING] http://ping.fm/dDuST

I do not want to meet the family of the new Sienna. It has a member that talks about "rocking Mom jeans." That statement makes me cringe.

Is anyone else experiencing extreme weirdness with Facebook, or is it just me? The pages are coming up really messed up.

Watching a program about the Apollo 11 mission. Astronauts=some damn brave people! Wanted to be astronaut as kid, explore the solar system.

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This is pretty cool. Steven Tyler allowed scientists to examine his vocal cords while singing at different pitches for a Nat'l Geo show.

http://ping.fm/YEkPD The Rebuttal American Dog Magazine Doesn't Want You to Read

Down syndrome isn't an illness. People w/Down syndrome don't need medication to make them better. They need to be accepted by society.

5 Things The Media Loves Pretending Are News | Cracked.com http://ping.fm/A3gCG

Perhaps I'd best get some more sleep. Have a memorial service to attend tonight and only have 3.5 hours under my sleep belt.

Well they aren't "mom jeans" but I just got some decidedly unsexy but comfortable scrub pants in the mail. Cut for the fuller figured gal.

Watching show on National Geographic where they are rehabilitating pit bulls that were forced to fight. This poor girl was also overbred.

That advert made me throw up a little. WTF does "I'm not going around rocking mom jeans" mean anyway? Guess I'm just an un-hip old fart.

http://ping.fm/JXsSX Good foods to eat more of.

I don't care if anyone thinks this is sappy--I like butterflies. Think about all the different kinds. Like moths too, but not those millers.

Well, I'm off to do my rounds. Yee freaking hah!

http://ping.fm/jkp7U Fact: I Don't Let People Get Too Close (blog post)

Flaky skin--just one of those joys of hypothyroidism. Bleah!

Fact: I Don't Let People Get Too Close

I think it's fucking horrible how whenever people start to know me a little I tear away, maybe even creating an entirely new alter-ego, because I am so afraid of being betrayed. The more people get to know me the more "ammunition" they have to destroy me.

My various alter egos are all working on different projects and I feel people drifting away as they wonder what has happened to the other "me's" they have known. Or maybe they don't care at all.

I'm so tired and I'm getting a big sore in my mouth, which is a sign of stress. I don't want things to be this way any more.
Faycin is all about being really and truly honest, something the other me's have lost--something I always seem to lose once I start trying to please people so they won't abandon me.

The 9 Most Terrifying Attempts to Improve Popular Foods | Cracked.com http://ping.fm/y0pD1

Mustn't forget the PBJ (again) for my gourmet midnight lunch.

Time to change out of t-shirt into scrub tunic and go to the fun factory for another night of unmitigated joy. Job not bad, but burned out.

Isis the Pyro Kat: how can such a small animal be so smelly and have such painfully sharp claws?

The Children of Cyberspace: Old Fogies by Their 20s - NYTimes.com http://ping.fm/g8C6k

Am really getting bummed at this not having a working oven thing. Come the fuck on, Payday.

http://ping.fm/0tm6x Writers: would you like your blog or website listed here free? Only "cost" is a link to this page!

Saudi Journalist Asks: Why Can't Women Have Four Husbands? | Women's Rights | Change.org http://ping.fm/Gh2lm