Words Hurt: Cyber Bullying

WORDS HURT! These are my thoughts on the recent rash of cyber-bullyings.

I grew up in the 1980's and was bullied badly because I was always different and very sensitive. Turns out I had bipolar II and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn't learn that till I was nearly 40. I self-injured and had several para-suicides. I'm almost positive I wouldn't have lived if I'd had cyber bullying added to the mix. I'm not worth much but my son is studying to be a doctor. He would not have been born if I had committed suicide.

There needs to be a penalty for bullying someone to death. There really does need to be.

In case anybody cares

I'm not really okay but I am not in danger of committing suicide, so any suicidal talk that may come is suicide IDEATION, mmmkay? If I went to the ER every time I felt suicidal I'd have to just move in there. So, I am not in some sort of planning stage of suicidal. Let's just get that out of the way right there. I hate it when I try to talk about how I'm feeling and I get people going OMGYOURESUICIDALGETTOTHEER!!!!

I appreciate the concern but I am not in danger of committing suicide. Okay?

Suicide ideation is part of what I live with. Don't give me the meds lecture. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for eight years. I know all about meds. I know most of them don't work for me. I take the only one that works at all: a low dose of lithium. The other stuff I take is all herbal and it works better than the pharmaceutical stuff. Everyone wants to think that psych meds are a magic bullet. They aren't. Sometimes they're worse than the problem. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, everyone can skip the meds lecture. I'm crazy, not ignorant. Besides, I'm a health care professional. So I do know something about meds on that level.

I'm depressed and discouraged. I'm broke and see no signs of getting less broke. This economy sucks ass. I've lost a lot in the past year, including getting stabbed in the back by a couple of so called friends, one of whom I keep dreaming about. I have to take my dog to the vet on Friday which is probably going to cost me a shit ton of money. I would like to rehome these dogs, but it is too depressing to me to think that I will never see them or hear about them again. When I had to give one of my cats to my ex husband because my calico cat was terrorizing her, at least I knew I'd see her again. 

Here's the thing: I didn't know what it was like taking care of dogs. I never had dogs. I figured it couldn't be that much harder than cats. BWAHAAHAHAHAAAA!!!!! Oh, stupid Faycin. I don't really like interacting with dogs. I don't like how needy they are. It's like having a permanent two year old. When I get home after working all night I don't feel like walking them. I don't like them licking my face. I don't like scooping their poop. Yeah, you have to deal with cat poop too, but I have this great rolling litterbox that makes it easy. At least that's one thing that works around here.

I like dogs--when they're somebody else's. I want to do good things for dogs and find them good homes. I rue the day when I brought dogs into my home. 

I've been having a hard time cleaning. But I have to make myself do it. I hate having to deal with it.

I pretty much hate my life.

But committing suicide would fuck other people over so I won't. 

So no, I'm not really okay at all. But I'm not in danger of offing myself. It's just same shit different day.

No Relationships

I'm just like Lady Gaga, except not sexy or talented!

At 46 years of age and living with rapid cycling bipolar type II, borderline personality disorder, and OCD, I decided a long time ago. against attempting any type of romantic relationship again. I tend to attract predators, and I tend to become too emotionally attached.

 I'm not suggesting that everyone take the route I did if they are mentally ill. I'm just saying that some of us may be more damaged than others, and it took me a long time to realize that I'm not somehow a "bad person" for not wanting to be in a relationship and also not having any interest at all in casual sex encounters. I'm a lot less defensive about my choice. 

When people get bent out of shape that I have chosen to be celibate, I realize now that it must be their problem and none of mine. How can my choice regarding sex and relationships reflect on them at all?

I actually understand what Lady Gaga means when she says that she chose to be celibate because when she's involved with someone it's like they are "stealing my creativity through my vagina." When I become involved with someone on that level it is all consuming. They are all I can think about and the rest of my life suffers. I become paranoid and jealous. And if they dump me (which is inevitable because I tend to attract douchebags) I become suicidal. It is not, not, not healthy. Plus, on the off chance that I actually managed to attract a non-douchebag, I would not want to saddle anyone with my metric ton of baggage.

So I am going to roll like Lady Gaga. But I promise you, I will not sing or dress in revealing costumes!

Teh Crazeez is all Dangerous and Scaree!

This is a response to a post at Tiger Beatdown. They were not actually attacking persons with mental illness. The article is worth reading.

The one fact that remains constant is that only dangerous people who are mentally ill ever get any press. The majority of mentally ill people are more likely to be victims than victimizers. The majority of mentally ill people are also not delusional. Many suffer with mood disorders such as major depression and bipolar disorder, which comes in varying degrees of severity. Almost all mentally ill people are marginalized. Most of us just want to be treated with respect and to be given affordable, compassionate assistance for the conditions we live with.

This is not to say that there are not any dangerous mentally ill people. Just to say that they're the only ones who get any press. They're much more "interesting" than us run of the mill "nut jobs."

Glad I Didn't Have Girls

This is a response to this article by a mother of sons musing what it would have been like to have a daughter.

I'm honestly glad that I only had a son, as dreadful as that sounds. Raising boys in this society is less complicated. I am a feminist and I stand up for women's and girls rights, but having grown up in a society where women are second class citizens, I wouldn't have wanted to have to explain that to a girl. Also there's the possibility of getting pregnant, and while if my son had gotten someone pregnant I would have insisted that he take responsibility, it is still a whole different thing.

I loathe the word "tomboy," which I'm not picking on you for because it's so ingrained into our culture. I prefer to think that I was simply an active girl. I've always struggled with not "being feminine" because I preferred wearing trousers and athletic shoes so I could run and climb trees. I preferred blue to pink. In high school, I was branded a "lesbian" because I was so not-girly.

But at least back in my day, or at least in the area where I lived, girls weren't expected to dress like prostitutes, the way they are now. That part of our current culture is something that I really despise. We really have not come a long way, Baby.

Crap Is: The New Blogger Interface and Borderline Personality Disorder

I hate the new Blogger interface. I absolutely despise it. I hope they won't force it down our throats. It would make using Blogger less enjoyable, and I have been using it since 2005, so that would not make me happy. 

In spite of its faults, Blogger is still the easiest platform to work with. I find Wordpress annoying although many people swear by it. Typepad is okay, but overall I still prefer Blogger.

One person commented on my last post that if I got out there and started commenting on and interacting with other blogs, people would come read mine. Yeah...but then they'd get scared and run away. Which is what happened the last time, because I'm too honest about how my condition makes me feel sometimes, and I'm a big snarky curmudgeon who cusses a lot. That frightens the nice "mommy bloggers," who seem to make up about 75% of the blog-o-sphere. 

Also, since I'm old I don't have any young ones, so we don't exactly connect there either. My only child is 21 and I think that most mothers would be offended if I tried to compare my pet issues with their kid issues. "I know JUST what you mean! My stupid cat was meowing at a fucking squirrel outside and woke me up!" Yeah--not quite the same as being up all night with a teething baby.

 Also, I don't have a nice, simple case of bipolar disorder. Not that bipolar disorder is simple to live with, so for fuck's sake don't leap down my throat, but hear me the fuck out. I have bipolar disorder compounded by borderline personality disorder. For those of you who don't know just what an abso-fucking-lute joy borderline personality disorder is, here's a pretty good description.

"People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

--Marsha Linehan

I found this picture on this page. This is your lucky day if you are looking for links to articles about borderline personality disorder! I'm just a regular fucking library!

Here is an excellent page about borderline personality disorder. I don't have an excellent page about trolls because "excellent" and "trolls" can't be used together in the same sentence, unless you are saying "here is an excellent way to kill trolls without leaving a mess." Then I would say that is an excellent page about trolls!

I suppose I may allow my blogs to appear on my profile again. I don't know. Fucking trolls. If I could make a Troll Eradication bomb, the world would be a far better place with more resources for all who remained. That would surely not be a bad thing.