Wish Dreams: Return of Lost Friend

I had a wishful thinking dream that the friend who dumped me back in October left me a comment saying he was sorry for his treatment of me and inviting me to come see the new videos he'd made and posted on his blog. I forgave him for his behavior and we started commenting and being supportive of each other again, like nothing had happened, and I felt really happy.

I don't expect that this will ever happen. This person felt very self-righteous about what he did. He was, at least on the surface, angry about the amount of posts appearing from another Facebook friend regarding a game she was playing. So the angry friend, let's call him Gary, posted a message in his status asking if anyone knew how to get rid of the "weirdos" on his friends list.

It was actually the person that Gary was angry with who responded. She told him how you unfriend someone. She also jokingly wrote that she hoped it wasn't her whom he was referring to because no-one is weirder than she.

Two minutes later, Gary had unfriended her. He left the scathing message that she wasn't weird, she was just emotionally immature, taking up everyone's wall with her crap.

She wasn't aware that she was doing so. As well, there are ways to block posts from certain applications or to "hide" certain friends that you'd rather just check in on occasionally. There's no need to be nasty. As well he could have politely told her that he was unfriending her because of her game posts.

I called Gary out on his behavior, telling him that this wasn't cool. I told him that I knew he'd been under stress lately and if there was anything he needed I was there for him, but this wasn't cool.

Gary responded in a nasty fashion, saying he didn't care, he just needed to be sarcastic to someone because the reception to the videos he'd created had been very sarcastic.

I responded that I cared about him and maybe he needed to disable comments for his videos because some people are just assholes and he didn't need that negative energy in his life.

He unfriended me and never responded to any following emails.

Because we had been friends for five years, this really hurt. I thought that Gary accepted me as I was and this caused me to trust him. 

There was a book that I was planning on compiling of posts created over the last 5 years by Gary, myself, and another friend about a mutually shared character. All of the proceeds would have gone to a local animal shelter where I got 2 of my cats. The book will never be now because I will never be able to get permission from Gary to use his work. 

I would forgive Gary if by some miracle he asked for forgiveness. But I think he feels very self-righteous and justified in his behavior, which was, frankly, awful, and more emotionally immature than anything the person he attacked did.

I hate wishful thinking dreams. One wakes from them thinking something wonderful has happened, only to discover that not only has it not happened, it cannot and will not happen.

Teasing in Gym Class Good for Kids? WTF?

Kids shouldn't be allowed to opt out of gym class because it'll inspire them to lose weight if they are teased about being fat. Hmm.....

I enjoy "Dumb as a Blog" when it's about dumb criminals, not so much when the writers take on social issues. Because they tend to come up with poorly thought out opinions and slap it out on the computer. That there are more overweight kids in the United States today? True. That more schools are allowing kids to opt out of gym class? I'll buy that. But that it would be good for the "little porkers" to be forced to take gym and endure the taunts of their more slender classmates because it would inspire them to lose the chub? ARE YOU INSANE???

This was my response to this Crazy Train of thought.

I have to say you are dead wrong on the account that having other kids "taunt" a chubby classmate is good for them. I wasn't chubby but I had some neurological and movement disorders and was taunted mercilessly. I am nearly 50 years old and am still very insecure about my body. Bullying should NEVER be allowed. Also, although I wasn't overweight, when I hit my teens I developed a rather prominent booty and thick thighs and also developed BULIMIA! Please rethink your assessment of this. A lot of kids might be more inclined to take gym class IF THEY KNEW THEY WOULD BE SAFE FROM TEASING!

I never do the caps-lock thing, so let me tell you, I feel extremely passionate about your choice of wording on this subject. Gym class was torture for me, and I wasn't the only one that felt this way.

Neediness vs. Ugliness

This quote puts my thoughts into words better than I have ever been able to myself.

‘There are a lot of people who want to become “spiritual”, which I have a little bit of – but I hate new-agey stuff. They want everything to be beautiful. Well, I’m sorry, life feeds on life and there’s a horror involved in that, and to not pay attention to that is just to be naive.’

--Leslie Kenton

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-1246717/Leslie-Kenton-reveals-incestuous-relationship-father.html#ixzz19DMxbzwl

Leslie is the daughter of the great big band leader, Stan Kenton. He was always one of my favorites. Unfortunately, he seems to have been a very sick man who did some terrible things. Leslie describes him as having been a childlike person. He had severe substance abuse issues. 

Sometimes people fitting this description become friends with their child, treating them as a buddy or a brother or sister rather than having a parent-child relationship with them. Sometimes people form what I call emotional marriages with persons with whom they have an otherwise platonic relationship, such as a friend, sibling, or child. This relationship takes the place of the marriage partnership, although it is not incestuous and there is no desire for sexuality on the part of the parent when such a relationship forms. It may be dysfunctional at the core and may reveal the parent to be emotionally immature. But it is not destructive, like the relationship between Leslie and her father was.

First John Phillips, now Stan Kenton. I hope no other of my musical heroes turn out to be twisted in this way!

Check out Bing Crosby – Silent Night @lastfm http://t.co/EorW8tx

Check out Louis Armstrong – What A Wonderful World @lastfm http://t.co/u64jrVf There have been other versions of this song, but this is best

Check out Nat King Cole – Unforgettable @lastfm http://t.co/tFBuT7w I also enjoy the standards.

RT @jillybobww LOL! When u think about it, drum solo is really inappropriate gift 4 baby. Am sure Mary could've done without ruckus as well

Submit to the power of Emergen-C, you damn cold virus! An unwelcome holiday guest, to be sure.

It's probably questionable logic to try an experimental recipe on Christmas when I can't just run out for a pizza, but oh well, call me nutz

Representing the Lollipop Guild and welcoming you to Munchkin land.

http://ping.fm/3ZI96 Gratefulness.org

http://ping.fm/p9UrX What people around the world eat

RT @brainpicker The physics of Santa's sleigh – scholars look at the at the aerodynamics, thermodynamics and statistics http://is.gd/jqNgR

http://ping.fm/qQNmq An inspiring story

http://ping.fm/c2I7M Looks interesting, but I have a hard enough time w/my brownies.

http://ping.fm/E9tAW A graduate of the Gordon Ramsay school of etiquette!

http://ping.fm/J0LF2 What not to say to depressed person

http://ping.fm/kFN03 Get on down with James Brown and RBUMM's own Mickey Ratt!

http://ping.fm/T1RDd And now a word from your UNDEAD sponsor!

Check out Dr. Doo-Doo's Holiday Prescription! http://ping.fm/Gf0xz

Check out Little Boy Blues – I Can Only Give You Everything @lastfm http://t.co/FC1FY9l I always have to return to my roots!

Check out Hound Dogs – I Like Girls (Phunk Investigation Fantasy Mix) @lastfm http://t.co/IM7C2yf Sometimes I like dance music w/silly lyrix

I like all kinds of music. I hate when people try to tell me I can't like a certain kind of music if I like another. I can like what I want!

Check out Pessimist – Infernal Death @lastfm http://t.co/PiO1tVJ Of course there's certainly something to be said for Death Metal!

Check out The Third Bardo – I'm Five Years Ahead of My Time @lastfm http://t.co/QIMeqMZ 60's psychedelic and garage rock is my favorite!

http://ping.fm/RPuOR Even though I'm a "fallen" Catholic, I still get comfort from lighting a candle.

So I was smart--I weighed myself BEFORE eating the holiday treat! And the result was: more than it should be but less than it could be.

Just spilled soda all over my leg. Then stood up and banged my head against the freezer handle. Good times!

Wish I could eat some chocolate chip cookies, but since my belly already looks like Santa's, it's probably best that I don't. :0(

Looks like George Lopez is sporting a porn star mustache these days.

Fighting a cold. Time for some Emergen-C!

Hey Douchebag: Hate is Not Okay

This is a response to the rant on Fat and Not Afraid about the attacks her size acceptance thread endures.

What we need to keep fighting for is to push the idea that hate is never okay. These jerks just want to have a scapegoat. Currently, big people are the scapegoat.

I am always fighting to lose weight (I weigh 275 pounds) but I need to be able to be okay with myself at this size. There is a chance that I will always be this size. I am not, in fact, unhealthy. I don't have hypertension or diabetes. The only thing I really worry about is the stress on my knees and ankles from carrying around excess weight. 

I have always been accepting of people of all sizes. I don't hate skinny people. What I hate is the assertion that skinny people are somehow angelic simply for being the size that they are while large people are demonized.

I just love the "free speech" argument in a private publication of any kind. No, you do NOT have "free speech" rights here, douchebag. It's a privately owned publication--blog, thread, whatever.

Arrrgggh!!! Blaaaah!!!!!

http://ping.fm/NTOVW Help Dan Brickley of Hit Dan Back collect toys for needy kids!

Happy Fucking Holidays You Snotty Bitch

 It's no ones fault that those people don't have anything. Mother can't feed her kids? Shouldn't have had kids. Man homeless on street? Shouldn't have fucked up his life. I hate when people make excuses for shitty lives people have. Not everyone is in that place. I'm going by my status and luxury in my life. It's a shame that people are homeless, but people around me CAN buy things but they only cater to one child or don't know someone well enough to get them what they want/or listen. It's not my, or anyone else problem about less fortunate people. People have the right to say what they want. It's not my problem about those people. I know this may come off mean, but people shouldn't have to not live with what they have because others can't...

A particularly vile little twat wrote this particular response to a friend's comment that she was sick of hearing people bitch about the "lame" presents they've received. My friend is not getting any gifts this year--her family can't afford it. I'm not getting my son any gifts this year. We're trying to fix up this trashed out house. This is the first year I'll be without my father, and I really agree with my friend. So sorry your dad forgot to buy you the Stupid Spoiled Whore Playset so you could be more like your heroine Paris Hilton, oh Bratty One. Now, get thee a nice hot steaming cup of STFU and be glad for what you have!

Decent Mood

I am pleased to be in a decent mood tonight. As someone with the shitty disease that is bipolar disorder, I always find myself wondering which of my moods actually belongs to me, and which is part and parcel of this fucking disease. For the moment, no matter. Tempest Le Trope rides again (my semi-satirical fantasy romance novelist incarnation) and you can check out her Twitter novel as it forms at either http://tempestletrope.typepad.com or http://torridtempest.blogspot.com

It does make a difference to me when people comment. It makes me feel like someone hears what I'm saying. Of course I'm going to write it anyway, regardless, but unfortunately the soul (at least this soul) enjoys feeding on a bit of praise now and then. What I'm trying to say in my roundabout way is THANK YOU to those of you who have left comments, you are the best of the best!

Of course this means that all who have left comments recently are polite and decent people. I appreciate that too. I'd be seething if some jackwagon had something stupid and mean-spirited to dump on me. It's not that people have to agree with me wholesale, just that if they don't they ought to be civil in their disagreement!

Again, thank you, and whatever the reason for the mental upsweep, I'll ride the wave!

Hang ten!

Faycin, wishing she could be a beach bum. Unfortunately the last time I tried to lounge by the seashore, Greenpeace came along and threw me into the ocean!

My humor blogs

I continue doing my humor blogs even though nobody looks at them any more. I probably should just stop. I like to do them but it's discouraging to have not only no audience but seemingly an anti-audience. Also it tends to remind me of the person that I thought was my friend for a long time but turned out to be harboring hatred for me. I still don't understand this individual's actions. I really don't know what I ever did to them besides try to be nice.

Not Happy

I try not to whine because nobody likes a whiner, yada yada. But I'm feeling very bad today. I feel very lonely and abandoned. No matter what I do it is never any good. I wish I were dead.

Faycin is Seeing Stars and Emulating them Too

Stars that you will find in this post:

Red Giant Star

A white dwarf star

A Rock star

Reality TV "stars" (more like a cultural black hole)

Well, at least if one is going to have an erotic dream, it is best if one's partner is not repulsive. The unfortunate thing is that often when I have this type of dream, the partner is someone that I would not touch with a ten foot pole. At least in this case they were someone who is not repulsive. However when I woke up, I had to laugh, because my first thought was "yeah, THAT would happen--so not!"

Nikki Sixx is a cool guy and he's not bad looking at all. But I must say, I am not his type. Not even because I'm overweight and have my own natural boobs, but because I'm not abusive enough. This guy only goes for women who will eventually take a crap on his emotions. His last girlfriend was Kat von D--really, dude? Kat von D?--Who at any rate, dumped him for Jesse Shames because she thought that it was "hot" that Jesse is the most hated man in America.

Faycin and Nikki Sixx--do I think we'd be chums if we met? Yes, I do. We tend to find the same things interesting, and, as I said, he actually is a nice guy. Do I think we'd, even in the wildest of circumstances, be an item? No, I do not. Faycin is too much of a nice gal.

There are people out there--both male and female--who are only attracted to those who are going to abuse them. I used to be like that. I used to find guys who were totally emotionally unavailable and pursue them so I could fix them. At this point I do not want any romantic relationships because I know I only get involved in fucked up ones. 

Of course, one of these days hell may in fact freeze over, and Nikki Sixx and Faycin may meet and find out we don't want to be abused emotionally any more and will settle down in a glorious middle aged sex fest that everyone will hope and pray we aren't sick or stupid enough to release as a sex tape.

Honestly--how anyone could think that other people actually want to watch them having sex is beyond me.

Of course, I tend to be kind of asexual in my waking life, so it really doesn't matter anyhow.

Besides, I'm having such a horrifying time with perimenopause that the last thing I feel is sexy. I go five weeks between visits from Aunt Flo, but when the bitch comes, she stays for two weeks! 

Comparing women to stars, this is the "red giant" phase of the female life cycle. Everything is expanding. The length between Aunt Flo visits is growing longer, but the visits last for a longer time and are heavier. NOT FUN! I await the "white dwarf" phase when it's all done and over with and I can put Aunt Flo into her tomb for good!

Rape Trauma

Mikael at My Clouds and My Storms blogged about her rape, which reminded me of the times when it happened to me as an adult. I was raped by my ex-boyfriend in the early morning hours of November 1 1997. I thought that we were "still friends." I did many things that were stupid that night. One was thinking we were still friends. Another was driving drunk to get him away from the party where he had gotten so pissed off when one of my co-workers kissed me. The third was thinking the bastard had left my house and going to bed (albeit with all my clothes on) without being sure he had gone and locking the door. 

I was so trashed I probably shouldn't have been walking, let alone driving. I woke up with my clothes off and him on top of me. I groaned at him to stop it but of course he didn't. He did his thing for several minutes, then after he had ejaculated he got up and said "well, now we're back together again." He then left.

I had panic attacks for a year following this assault. There really wasn't much in the way of penetration--the guy had a very small penis (I'm pretty sure he had Klinefelter syndrome) and difficulty getting erections. But I was crushed underneath him, he had undressed me, and he hammered and ground his genitals against mine until he ejaculated. Only the physical pain was missing.

I never pressed charges because I was sure that being drunk, the police would think I deserved it.

I was also raped at the age of 18 by a guy I met in line for concert tickets. I thought he was a nice guy so I went back to his place with him. I ended up with a horrible infection and a tremendously lowered sense of self esteem, not that I had much in the first place. This predator came back later to tell me that he hoped I was pregnant so we'd have to stay together. Thank whatever powers there may be that I wasn't. Once again I did not press charges because I was sure that since I had been drinking and smoking marijuana at the time, the cops would not take me seriously. 

With the rape at 18 the guy had a normal size penis, so there was penetration and it was painful. However, the psychological trauma was equally bad in both cases, although I did not have panic attacks after the assault at 18. Maybe it's because I was conscious the whole time. Waking up to someone sexually assaulting you opens a whole new can of worms.

Sorry about the rant, but thank you for your honesty. I am able to think about these events now without having severe traumatic reactions. However, I still sleep on the couch even after 13 years. Sleeping in a bed leaves me feeling vulnerable.

Sometimes Dreams Suck

Dreamed that I looked down the hall to see my father's corpse in a desk chair in my son's room. My son had his arms around the body of his grandfather, propping it up. I was sure that I screamed "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" repeatedly, but I suppose it was only in my mind. 

I have not cried much over my father's death. Either I have not really acknowledged that he is dead (even though I logically realize that) or I already grieved as he got sicker and sicker. There isn't a deep, heart-rending hopelessness. Life goes on, as it had to when he got sicker and sicker, and his suffering is done. But there is this awful emptiness when I think about him.

"I want to tell Dad (fill in the blank)"

"But I can't."

"Shit....this sucks."

And then there's the emptiness and a feeling of regret and remorse. 

I can't allow for heart-rending grief, I suppose. I can't fall apart. There's too much to do. And in many ways, I already grieved.

But for fuck's sake, if I'm going to dream about my father, I want to dream about him as he was in life or is now in spirit. I don't want to dream about a corpse propped in a chair.

I wonder if this has to do with my being confronted with a discouraging situation of acerbic Atheism from a person whom I still like but whom I don't feel comfortable with since she adopted this belief system. I think a better word for it is "nihilism." I do know atheists with whom I'm perfectly comfortable communicating. They do not believe in a deity or in spirits, but they are not assholes about it and acknowledge that other people have the right to their beliefs. 

Nihilists, on the other hand, are the only people on Earth as capable of pissing me off as Fundie Criss-chuns. I call them Criss-chuns because they sure ain't Christians. Nihilists and Criss-chuns both believe that only they are right. They are superior because they are the only ones who are right. And everyone else is either damned to hell or damned to stupidity. 

I realize that any kind of Fundamentalist is horrible, but these are the two types that I encounter the most often. I would hate to be as narrow in my thinking as they are.

Squamous cell Carcinoma

SQUAMOUS CELL CARCINOMA: THE SECOND MOST COMMON SKIN CANCER

There has been a good deal of education about malignant melanoma in recent years, but there are other types of skin cancers that one needs to be aware of as well. Squamous cell carcinoma is the second most common type of diagnosed skin cancer, yet many people have never heard of it. And the most commonly diagnosed skin cancer is actually basal cell carcinoma, not malignant melanoma. While it is important to be aware of malignant melanoma, it is also important to keep these other types of skin cancer in mind.

The outer layer of skin, or epidermis, is composed of squamous cells. Squamous cell carcinoma arises in these cells. Squamous cell carcinomas vary somewhat in appearance and may be mistaken for scabs, warts, or a rough patch of skin. However, they do not heal and may be prone to bleeding. They may appear as open sores with a raised border and a crusted surface over an elevated pebbly base. Any persistent sore which does not heal normally should be examined by a physician.

Persons with fair skin and light-colored eyes are at the greatest risk for developing squamous cell carcinoma, however anyone who has had substantial sun exposure may develop this cancer regardless of their skin color. Chronic inflammation and injury to the skin may also preclude development of squamous cell carcinoma.

If detected in the early stages, squamous cell carcinomas are almost always curable and removal leaves minimal damage. Removal is normally an outpatient procedure performed with a local anesthetic. In some cases, laser removal, cryosurgery (freezing) or radiation may be chosen to remove the growth.

It is important to examine your skin once a month for abnormal growths or wounds that don't heal. As well, taking preventative measures such as staying out of the sun between 10 AM and 2 PM, wearing sunscreen, and wearing a hat with a brim for protection of the face and ears can be helpful in preventing skin cancers. Avoid the use of tanning beds as the UV radiation from these devices can promote the development of skin cancers.

Medical Reviewers: 

Perry Robins, MD 

Alfred W. Kopf, MD 

Ronald G. Wheeland, MD 

Photographs Courtesy of: 

William A. Crutcher, MD 

Alfred W. Kopf, MD 

Mark Lebwohl, MD 

Ashfaq Marghoob, MD 

Leonard J. Swinyer, MD

Retrieved from: http://www.skincancer.org/squamous-cell-carcinoma.html

Skin Cancer Risks

I got a lot of sun exposure as a child living in New Mexico. I also got sun poisoning when visiting California at the age of 16 and being a dummy that didn't put on a shirt when going out to play in the ocean at 2 PM. There were tiny blisters all over the exposed area of my chest and shoulders (above the breast area of the swim suit.) I used to get blisters on my back all the time from sun exposure as a child. This was back in the early 1970's. We didn't know. A good healthy tan was the thing to aim for and if you get burnt in the process, so be it.

A number of years ago I had a mole removed from my torso that had developed an irregular border. It turned out to be benign, but it worried me a bit.

My father had a friend who died in his early 40's from melanoma. The melanoma was behind his ear and it wasn't discovered until it was too late.

Silence of the Blogs

I miss the interaction I used to have on my blogs. I never had a lot of visitors but there were some people who tended to interact with me and there was a rapport. I'm developing that with new people and that's a plus. At least one of the people that I felt close ties with turned out to be a far bigger jerk than I could have possibly imagined. I still don't understand this individual's animosity. But if someone's like that, it's no good hanging onto them--although obviously there's still a part of me that is. One does not need people like that in their life.

I always found it hard to get up and face the day, but it's been harder since my father died. However, it's nearly 11 AM. Time for brunch (translate: last night's leftovers) and pills and working on this damn science report. Only this unit and one more unit and that class is done!

Maybe one day facing the sun won't hurt so much. But it has ever since I was a teenager so I suppose that's kind of wishful thinking. I prefer the night. It hides the tears.