A Meme Because My Dumb Ass Can't Think Up Anything Original

I got the meme from Sunday Stealing. How very fucking appropriate.

Complete the Sentences:

Right now I'm feeling...

Oh gee, just like sunshine and roses and cute little unicorns capering about shitting rainbows. Couldn't you tell?

When I'm alone I feel...
Lost

When I'm surrounded by people I feel...
Afraid
One thing I hate is...
Backstabbing assholes who pretend to be your friend just to get something out of you.
One thing I really like about myself is ...

Somehow I managed to spawn a really great son. And I like animals. As for me, myself and I? Can't think of a fucking thing. I hate myself worse than any of you could ever possibly hate me.

When I'm feeling sad I...
Wish I was dead.

When I daydream it's usually about...
finally being happy

I'm afraid of...
Dying a failure

I'm happiest when...
I have a little money and can do something fun

One thing that really worries me is ...
If one day I'm just not able to keep doing this and leave my son with a hell of a mess to deal with. He isn't in a position to live completely independently yet.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be...
To not be the stupid pile of shit that I am.

If I could be with anyone right now I would be with...
Don't ask. I can't tell you.

The family member I am closest to is...
My son

If I was really honest with my father I would tell him...
I miss you a lot, Dad. But I wish you hadn't been such a damn perfectionist all the time.

One thing I regret about my life is ...
Being born and being such a pariah

If I only had one more day to live I would...
Go kill the fuckers that made me feel so bad. This isn't my usual answer. But its my answer right now.

If I was really honest with my mother i would tell her...
Stop making me feel like I can't do anything right. And couldn't you for once be proud of the things that are important to me?

One thing about me that nobody knows is...
I really just want for everyone to be able to be happy. I don't want for there to be any more meanness.

I hope that someday in the future...
I will be happy

When I think about my family I feel...
like I wonder why things have had to be so screwed up for us

Something I'm really embarrassed about is...
being such a fucking wet blanket all the time. It's really easy to hurt me.

One thing about me I never want to change is...
my stupid creativity.

One thing I feel really proud of is...
Having such a great son

Blogsville has helped me to...
I don't know. I guess I'd have zero friends without it.

One thing I like about blogsville is...
Sometimes somebody actually communicates with me. But there's still no-one that I feel like I could be 100% honest with. Really, I'm just too much of a steaming shit pile for anyone to understand.



Keep it Simple, Shithead

A Lazy Post About Forgetfulness

This was a response to a post on my friend CJ's blog. The post was rather personal so I'm not going to provide a linkback.

The last five years of my marriage were impossible. I could do nothing right. My ex husband's pet names for me became "dumb cunt" and "stupid bitch." I actually get along with the man well enough now which is good for family solidarity and less stressful on our son, but those times were horrible. Once I said in frustration "what do you want from me? I'm trying my damndest to be a better person! I don't do drugs any more and I've cut way down on drinking." He sneered at me "well, instead of trying to be a better person, why don't you instead try not to be so damn FORGETFUL?"

I didn't know it at the time, but asking someone who's bipolar not to be forgetful is like asking a shark to become a vegetarian.It seems to me like this woman is impossible to please. I don't want to purport to offer advice exactly, but it's very distressing to be with such an inflexible person.

Increased Suicide Among Gay Youth in Michele "Hater" Bachmann Supporters District

Michael in Norfolk addresses the issue of increased GLBT youth suicides in a school district which supports Nutty Michele's anti-everything-that-isn't-her-hateful-school-of-thought agenda.

I wish that people would just laugh this nut out of office. They have to be insane to have voted her in in the first place.

Believe me, I know from insane. I have several mental illnesses: a mood disorder and two personality disorders. However, I consider myself to be generally rational even though my brain wants to kill me several times a month.

If lunatics like Bachmann get into office, people like me will suffer too--particularly gay people with mental illness. Because these crazies will want us to both pray away our "demons" and to "pray away the gay." 

(I'm actually straight, but tend to 'come off' as a lesbian in the eyes of people who look to stereotypes because I'm not particularly "feminine.")

It's scary times we live in.

What's next? Fred Phelps for President?

At that point, we might as well just whip out the grape Kool Aid. Either that, or Canada will have a large influx of illegal immigrants crossing their southern border!

Inside

I wish I had someone to talk to

I wish someone cared

Personal Issues and Bipolar Disorder

Autumn is a nice trans-woman who is undergoing an important genital reconstruction surgery in the near future. She has cyclothymia (or, as she says, bipolar 2 1/2) and was addressing how this effected her choice of what particular type of genital reconstruction to get, opting for an orchidectomy. I do not claim to understand the details of gender reassignment surgery, but if you are or know anyone who is a male to female trans person, you/they may wish to check out Autumn's story here.

Good luck to you, Autumn. The thing that a person should do for themselves is to make the choice that's best for THEM, not to do what "everybody else" is doing. I give you my best wishes.

I can relate with the bipolar issue. I have type II bipolar disorder as well. There are certainly days when I think I'd forget my ass and my head if they weren't attached. As it is, there are days when I think I've managed to interchange them. I lived a number of years being shamed for being so "forgetful." I've had to learn to write things down--which is great, except for when I forget to write them down! ;-)

I am a natal woman (I like "natal" better than "cis") who has a lot of problems with her plumbing but is reluctant to get surgery of any kind. For now I've opted to just put up with the leaking from my bladder and to wear Poise pads. The medications to control this are all anticholinergics and I don't like my mouth and nose to be constantly dry, nor do I like constipation. The mesh that they use for urethral reconstruction has recently been dubbed problematic. So for now, no meds or surgery for this old kid!

I know your surgery is a far more personal thing than any of my "piddly" problems, but I can kind of relate. I give you a virtual purple heart for your heroism!

Why Nurses Are Assholes

First of all, I am a new nurse but an old caregiver. And yes, I am an asshole. But I try not to be an asshole to my patients or my colleagues. I have met a lot of nurses, however, who think that it is somehow their divine right to act like major cunts by virtue of being a nurse. Something about the profession either a) attracts bitter, self-righteous people or b) turns people bitter and self-righteous. Here is a little anecdote to illustrate what I mean.

At the beginning of the year, as a nursing student, I was conscripted into working at the health fair. I didn't have a coat with me, so when they were looking for volunteers to go out and direct traffic, I did not volunteer to do so. I was later called aside by one of the instructors of the program and lectured about my "uncooperative attitude." I became very incensed. I told her that I had done EVERYTHING that she had told me to do, including pissing people off at me by going down the line and asking if they had their receipt of payment, which made me very uncomfortable. She said that she had been told that I "refused" to go out and direct traffic. I said that no-one asked me directly, and if they had I would have politely declined because I DON'T HAVE A COAT WITH ME! I was so furious that I was almost unable to perform any other duties for awhile. I resolved never to volunteer at the health fair again.

Just when you thought your situation was the worst...

Emily's situation is far worse than mine. She apologized for harsh language in her post. I say she's entitled.

Harsh language doesn't scare me. I'm the queen of harsh language. I know you aren't begging but I'd sure send you money if I could. My house is still a shambles. I have no working refrigerator or stove and am doing the doo in a camping toilet because the toilet doesn't work either. I'm eating nutrition bars and trail mix. My ex husband hasn't worked in 8 years and he needs to get on the ball and get a fucking job because our son is in college, first to become a pharmacy tech and then to go pre-med. These are important things.

Little rant there--which means your post was effective. I really hope things turn around for you somehow. These times are shit.

The Truth about Faycin

I feel like a freak and a failure most of the time. Only thing that keeps me going is my animals and supporting my son on his journey to eventually becoming a doctor. I don't know how I deserved such a good son--I was always a disappointment to my family.

Daylight Savings Time is Shit

I know this post is a bit overdue but I found a post on an older blog that triggered these thoughts regarding daylight savings time, how stupid it is, and the way it fucks with our bodies.

DST is shit. I have bipolar disorder and this messing with my schedule usually puts me in a bad place. I usually become more anxious and irritable. I've worked with the elderly for years and it really messes with the poor, fragile individuals who are institutionalized, having their sleep-wake schedule disrupted. This insanity is long overdue to be abolished.

You Can't "Pray Away the Gay"

Michael In Norfolk is an attorney in his forties. His blog is "Coming Out in Midlife." He discusses in this post how the denial of homosexual orientation as valid causes harm not only to people in denial about their sexuality but to their opposite sex partners, who feel betrayed.

I think that the late Anthony Perkins is a great example of how damaging the anti-homosexual propaganda is. Tony tried to be in a straight marriage. He was by all accounts a loving father and his wife described him as her best friend. But he ended up having numerous shame-filled one night stands with other men and contracted HIV. At the end of his life when his wife was asked why she didn't leave him, she said that he had always treated her kindly and respectfully and she would not leave him in his time of need. She understood what many people fail to understand. If he had been able to be true to himself, to find a same-sex partner that he resonated with, his shame wouldn't have led him to these promiscuous affairs.

You can't "pray away the gay" any more than a straight person can "turn gay overnight." Marcus Bachmann and his ilk are doing terrible harm to people who are already conflicted.

Signs You're Getting Old: No more spicy food for your weak guts

I made a dismal discovery today. Son was kind enough to spring for dinner at our favorite diner. I had the egg and potato skillet with chorizo and half and half green chili (half mild, half spicy.)

Later on, the "spicy" worked its magic and I found myself glad that I'm somewhat incontinent of urine, because if I hadn't been wearing a Poise pad, I would have been changing my underwear and pants. Like Fry in the above photo, I was hoping it was a fart and not a shart. Alas, it was not meant to be.

So in order to avoid potential future embarrassment, I will henceforth be avoiding the spicy green chili. 

Getting old means: Glad you're incontinent of urine because it will protect your pants from sharts when you eat spicy food.

Wow. That's fucking dismal.

Have fun, Kiddies!

Social Networking

Nick of Guy Speak writes about Google Plus and social networking.

Facebook can be awfully clique-ish. I suppose any of these groups can. I know people who get some sort of sick thrill "culling" their Facebook list. I have felt sick in the pit of my stomach the few times I've felt the need to unfriend someone. I have a love-hate relationship with social networking. I enjoy the interaction and the potential to make friends, but it's almost always shallow. I'm no less lonely than I ever was.

Before anyone sees the need to lecture me about "getting out there and making friends," I have always been a very shy person and living with mental illness makes it even more difficult. Plus I don't have time for going out much. I work the night shift four days a week and am helping my son commute to classes at the community college and get his life in order many other times. I'm not even looking for any sort of romantic connection--I literally never want another one. I just like reading the things the guys write here at Guy Speak. They are wonderful people.

Too Late

Mystery Man talks of feeling regret while watching the shuttle liftoff that he will never be able to become an astronaut because he is too old.

Because of undiagnosed mental illness I missed a lot of opportunities to start things when I was younger. I'm trying to start some of them now but others I'll never be able to do because I'm simply too damn old. It's a lot harder when you're older. I feel sorrow for this every day and try not to hate my younger self too much because it wasn't entirely her fault. Still, I can't help but think that she could have been a little more sensible anyway.

OCD Crazees

When I get stuck in the obsessively checking email-blogger-facebook repeatedly for communication, I know it's time to step off and do something else! My fiction writing persona is almost done with a new story for submission to an anthology but couldn't write with the contractor here today. So off I go to beg leftovers from my son the college student. Summer breaks suck for college. In the spring and fall college students get a week, but in the summer it's only a day, and that's only if Fourth of July falls on a weekday!

I also need to register to take my NCLEX. So time to quit fucking around already!