Feeling Vulnerable

 

I sometimes go through periods of extreme vulnerability where I don't feel safe sharing much about myself. I also might switch to blogging elsewhere under a different identity. I have several of them. I don't think I have any trolls following right now so anyone who wants can email me at faycinacroud@gmail.com if they'd like to get hold of me. Thanks and peace.

Is Blogging Dead?

And can a person die from choking on their own saliva? Maybe not, but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes! And why does it hurt so much more when my cat kneads my side fat than when he kneads my butt or thigh fat?

One of my favorite bloggers has decided to hang it up. I hope we'll stay in touch but I really don't know why she'd want to stay in touch with a curmudgeon like me. 

Last year at this time someone I considered a "forever friend" in the world of blogging gave me the old "fuck off." The two of us used to work off of each other's creations. It was really a blow when I lost that. I don't think about it all the time but it still hurts me.

This July a couple of people that I'd once been stupid enough to consider friends betrayed me big time. I've decided that they're both pathetic, but it obviously still bothers me.

I think that people these days would rather Tweet and Facebook. Twitter is fucking impersonal. I have an account, but I hardly ever use it. Ditto Facebook. For as much as it's supposed to bring people closer, a lot of the people on there just seem snarky at best. I'm not particularly fond of it.

I know--I should get out there and "meet real people." But neither my personality nor my lifestyle is very amenable to that. And the "real" people I meet tend not to get me anyway. 

I'll probably keep blogging anyway. I just need to get over the idea that anyone will actually read it.

It sometimes baffles me that for as much as the Internet COULD bring people together, it seems more like a desert scattered here and there with lonely hovels than a real community. Which is kind of how "real life" seems too. 

Even when I was a little tiny child, I related to this song. I have always been so lonely, always hoped to find friends who understood me, thought that blogging would at last lead to that, and have given up. Nobody will ever understand.

Crap Is: The New Blogger Interface and Borderline Personality Disorder

I hate the new Blogger interface. I absolutely despise it. I hope they won't force it down our throats. It would make using Blogger less enjoyable, and I have been using it since 2005, so that would not make me happy. 

In spite of its faults, Blogger is still the easiest platform to work with. I find Wordpress annoying although many people swear by it. Typepad is okay, but overall I still prefer Blogger.

One person commented on my last post that if I got out there and started commenting on and interacting with other blogs, people would come read mine. Yeah...but then they'd get scared and run away. Which is what happened the last time, because I'm too honest about how my condition makes me feel sometimes, and I'm a big snarky curmudgeon who cusses a lot. That frightens the nice "mommy bloggers," who seem to make up about 75% of the blog-o-sphere. 

Also, since I'm old I don't have any young ones, so we don't exactly connect there either. My only child is 21 and I think that most mothers would be offended if I tried to compare my pet issues with their kid issues. "I know JUST what you mean! My stupid cat was meowing at a fucking squirrel outside and woke me up!" Yeah--not quite the same as being up all night with a teething baby.

 Also, I don't have a nice, simple case of bipolar disorder. Not that bipolar disorder is simple to live with, so for fuck's sake don't leap down my throat, but hear me the fuck out. I have bipolar disorder compounded by borderline personality disorder. For those of you who don't know just what an abso-fucking-lute joy borderline personality disorder is, here's a pretty good description.

"People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

--Marsha Linehan

I found this picture on this page. This is your lucky day if you are looking for links to articles about borderline personality disorder! I'm just a regular fucking library!

Here is an excellent page about borderline personality disorder. I don't have an excellent page about trolls because "excellent" and "trolls" can't be used together in the same sentence, unless you are saying "here is an excellent way to kill trolls without leaving a mess." Then I would say that is an excellent page about trolls!

I suppose I may allow my blogs to appear on my profile again. I don't know. Fucking trolls. If I could make a Troll Eradication bomb, the world would be a far better place with more resources for all who remained. That would surely not be a bad thing.